It is 1 a.m. and I can't sleep because we have had a very full, fun, and active day. I can't think of a better way to start off the summer!
We started the day off with a yard sale. A friend wanted to borrow my yard to sell some things. Since I have been taking loads of things to the mission throughout the year, I didn't think I really had anything to sell. But, I ended up finding quite a few things and made more money than I expected, and it didn't feel like nearly as much work as the one we had last year. Probably the best part for me is that my basement is incredibly clear of clutter, including all of the computer parts that have been a thorn in my side and a bug in Josh's ear for way too long! The kids even made a little money. Of course, I think their cute little faces asking people to buy their stuff helped to sell their things more than the items themselves.
As soon as we finished the yard sale, we headed straight for the Bridgeport Pool. They were celebrating their first day of the season by allowing everyone to enter for free. Elias has become quite the swimmer this year. He loves to cannon ball and get his head under water - even though he hasn't yet perfected keeping his mouth and nose closed at all times while under! We all had a great time and got just a little bit of sunburn, despite using 50 SPF.
Two of the things that were in the yard sale were bikes. One was a bike that I had used before Josh bought me one for my birthday last summer and the other was a bike that Josh had been using. They were both older and were from yard sales. So Josh told me that if I sold his bike, I better make enough to buy him a new one. Since we were already in Bridgeport, I suggested we go look at bikes, since I knew Memorial Day was a big sale weekend. We had made just over $154 in the sale and we bought Josh a bike for $149.99. It felt pretty good to get a nice bike basically for free, since the stuff we sold (minus his old bike) were things we weren't using anyway.
Then we came home, changed our clothes and headed out to the fireworks at the Festival here in town. The kids thought it was not only exciting to see the fireworks, but to get to stay up way past their bed time to do so! They were troopers, despite the late hour, the noise, the temptations, and the chaos that surrounded us there.
Now everyone is snug in their beds and I am so thankful for the joy we have shared together today and that we are safe and sound back home.
As I walked back to the car with Bella's hand in mine and Elias and Josh chatting behind us, I thought about the fact that the kids may never even remember this day when they get older, but I feel like it was one of my best days. - Which as usual, reminds me of one of my favorite songs.
Best Days by Geoff Moore
The river was deep, the water was cold; I was only twelve years old.
My dad and me trout fishing, waist deep in a Michigan stream.
He showed me how to make that fly look like it was so alive.
And then he helped me understand how to be a fisher of men.
Chorus
And all the world was right,
And I felt so full and alive
In the wonder and the light,
And I would never be the same,
For I knew somehow I had changed.
Even now I'd have to say,
It was one of my best days.
It was like a rock, a lump in my throat; I was eighteen years old.
But I had to say something to the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
A new world record was set that day for the stupid things I'd say.
I made her laugh. It must've been enough; For by day's end we'd fall in love.
Chorus
Sometimes I look to the eastern sky; Wondering what it will be like,
When we all finally learn of the day You return.
What will I feel? Where will I be? Will it all seem like a dream?
I think it'll be like a long-lost friend, coming back to His family again.
Chorus
And all the world will be right,
And we'll feel so full and alive
In His wonder and His light,
And we will never be the same,
For I know we all will be changed,
And we will surely say,
This is the very best of days,
This is the very best,
The very best of days.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
What is bigger and better?
Sorry about the depressing post yesterday. It was one of those days when I had too much on my mind. Thanks for those who left comments. They were encouraging.
Now on to bigger and better things.
Yesterday was the last night of youth for this school year. Last summer we didn't take a break over the summer, so this will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will not have a weekly meeting at our house. Josh and I really struggled with the decision to break over the summer for two reasons: First, high school students have more free time in the summers, so there is more opportunity to spend time with them. Second, we don't want any youth who really needs the support of the group to not have a place to go.
But after much prayer and deliberation, we decided that it was in everyone's best interests for us to take a break. Josh and I really need a time to rest and recollect our thoughts and goals for the group and the youth, who all have many plans for the summer, will not feel as much pressure as they do during the school year, which will give them rest as well. We are praying that God will provide us with renewal and direction over the coming months (and possibly some other adult leaders who may be interested to come and help on a regular basis would be great too!).
But last night, we played a game called "Bigger and Better". The premise of the game is that each group gets an item (we gave them pencils) and they have to go door-to-door and ask for an item that is bigger and better. The only rules are that no item can be returned to the original owner, the team has to accept whatever the giver deems is bigger and better, and the team can return at any point during the allotted time if they feel that the item they've received is by far better than anything the other team(s) can get.
Well, our team had scored a Boyd's bear - with the tags still attached, I might add - at the second house. We thought we were really on the upward move, destined to win. Then at the third house, the owner came out with a Better Homes and Garden magazine - not what we would consider bigger or better. We ended up dashing to the house with less than a minute to spare with only a tattered book to show for our 30-minute effort and lost to the other team who had brought back some very large and loud wind chimes. But it was just a reminder that value is in the eye of the beholder. I think so many times, I put value on things that don't deserve it.
The following are just three things I have misplaced value on in the past (even the very recent past):
1. A spotless house. Before I had kids, I would clean like I was going to be subjected to a government health inspection. I would clean things that people never clean or would never know wasn't clean if I didn't do it and probably wasn't really all that dirty anyway. Since having kids, I have had to use the "clean as I go" technique - where when I see something is dirty, I clean it when I have a free moment. Josh has caught me on more than one occasion with a toilet brush in my hand when I am supposed to be in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere. Sometimes my free moments are actually more like seconds and Josh doesn't always understand my techniques! I have also perfected "the appearance of clean" technique. Even though it works, it still drives me crazy.
2. The appearance of complete control of myself and world around me. I don't think there is any secret to why this doesn't work.
3. Trying to be everything to everyone. It not only leaves me exhausted and discouraged, but it isn't even as beneficial to the other person as it may seem.
I hope that I can realign my thinking this summer and be reminded, yet again, of what God considers bigger and better.
Now on to bigger and better things.
Yesterday was the last night of youth for this school year. Last summer we didn't take a break over the summer, so this will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will not have a weekly meeting at our house. Josh and I really struggled with the decision to break over the summer for two reasons: First, high school students have more free time in the summers, so there is more opportunity to spend time with them. Second, we don't want any youth who really needs the support of the group to not have a place to go.
But after much prayer and deliberation, we decided that it was in everyone's best interests for us to take a break. Josh and I really need a time to rest and recollect our thoughts and goals for the group and the youth, who all have many plans for the summer, will not feel as much pressure as they do during the school year, which will give them rest as well. We are praying that God will provide us with renewal and direction over the coming months (and possibly some other adult leaders who may be interested to come and help on a regular basis would be great too!).
But last night, we played a game called "Bigger and Better". The premise of the game is that each group gets an item (we gave them pencils) and they have to go door-to-door and ask for an item that is bigger and better. The only rules are that no item can be returned to the original owner, the team has to accept whatever the giver deems is bigger and better, and the team can return at any point during the allotted time if they feel that the item they've received is by far better than anything the other team(s) can get.
Well, our team had scored a Boyd's bear - with the tags still attached, I might add - at the second house. We thought we were really on the upward move, destined to win. Then at the third house, the owner came out with a Better Homes and Garden magazine - not what we would consider bigger or better. We ended up dashing to the house with less than a minute to spare with only a tattered book to show for our 30-minute effort and lost to the other team who had brought back some very large and loud wind chimes. But it was just a reminder that value is in the eye of the beholder. I think so many times, I put value on things that don't deserve it.
The following are just three things I have misplaced value on in the past (even the very recent past):
1. A spotless house. Before I had kids, I would clean like I was going to be subjected to a government health inspection. I would clean things that people never clean or would never know wasn't clean if I didn't do it and probably wasn't really all that dirty anyway. Since having kids, I have had to use the "clean as I go" technique - where when I see something is dirty, I clean it when I have a free moment. Josh has caught me on more than one occasion with a toilet brush in my hand when I am supposed to be in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere. Sometimes my free moments are actually more like seconds and Josh doesn't always understand my techniques! I have also perfected "the appearance of clean" technique. Even though it works, it still drives me crazy.
2. The appearance of complete control of myself and world around me. I don't think there is any secret to why this doesn't work.
3. Trying to be everything to everyone. It not only leaves me exhausted and discouraged, but it isn't even as beneficial to the other person as it may seem.
I hope that I can realign my thinking this summer and be reminded, yet again, of what God considers bigger and better.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sometimes I'm a (wo)man of God; Sometimes I'm alright
I haven't been blogging lately because I haven't had time to collect my thoughts for myself, let alone make them coherent enough for someone else. The only way I can describe the way I have felt lately is with the word bombarded. I feel like I am continually waiting for the next round of action. We watched the movie Sherlock Holmes last night. In the movie there are several scenes where Robert Downey, Jr., who plays Sherlock Holmes, has to assess situations where he is under attack and then deduce the best way to address the attack. All of his thoughts are slowed and described and then the scene is played out in sudden live action. If you haven't seen the movie, it may be a little difficult to understand the description I just offered you. I often feel like that in life, though. I feel like life is coming at me so fast and I feel like I am always trying to deduce the best course of action and trying to predict the next crisis or area that needs attention - and that is on good days. There really hasn't been anything major going on lately, just average daily life, with all the spilled drinks, things broken, and unfinished projects included. I always think that next week will be easier or slower or ______________ fill in the blank. I have realized that in all my busyness, I have forgotten how to be quiet and how to rest. I feel like when I have free time I have to fill it with something and I never have trouble finding things to fill it. If nothing else, I feel like I need to create meaningful moments for the kids, which I feel I never do very well. When I read friend's blogs of how they are working on crafts or teaching lessons on particular subjects, I think how our family time is playing Super Mario Bros., taking walks around our neighborhood circle, or watching Phineas and Ferb together. None of these are very purposeful or educational! We're lucky if we get Elias' homework done on a daily basis! I often feel like a failure and a victor in about a minute's span of time every day. I convince myself that I don't need time. That it is selfish and if I take it, who will do all that I am not doing? Lately, the day time hours have had less responsibilities and I have almost not known what to do with myself. I no longer find satisfaction with the things I once enjoyed doing because I feel like they don't prepare me for action enough and I must be prepared at all times and I no longer have weekly "just for fun" outings with others. I don't have as many meaningful, really meaningful relationships, with women like I once did, because my schedule has not allowed me that privilege. Even when I have time with friends, without a consistency of regular meetings with them, I find that the time I do spend with other women is spent thinking, "Am I talking too much? Am I being too needy? Am I considering their need to talk or express how they feel?", and then I often come away feeling a little drained and feeling like I am failure at even being a friend. Again, the way I feel is best described with a song and the answer is given there as well!
Man of God by Audio Adrenaline
Sometimes I'm a liar; sometimes I'm a fake;
Sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
Sometimes I'm a poet; sometimes I'm a preacher
Sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher
But I've never been left alone
In any problem that I've known
Even though I'm to blame
There were times when things were dark
And I've been known to miss the mark
But someone fixed my aim
Sometimes I'm a man of god
Sometimes I'm alright
Sometimes I lay down close my eyes
And pray to god
Sometimes I don't feel good
Its hard to start the day
Its hard to climb the obstacles
That sometimes come my way
If I make it, I'm a good man.
Am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
So I let grace prevail
But I've never been left alone
In any problem that I've known
Even though I'm to blame
There were times when things were dark
And I've been known to miss the mark
But someone fixed my aim
Sometimes I'm a man of god
Sometimes I'm alright
Sometimes I lay down close my eyes
And pray to God I'm ready for the night
Man of God by Audio Adrenaline
Sometimes I'm a liar; sometimes I'm a fake;
Sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
Sometimes I'm a poet; sometimes I'm a preacher
Sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher
But I've never been left alone
In any problem that I've known
Even though I'm to blame
There were times when things were dark
And I've been known to miss the mark
But someone fixed my aim
Sometimes I'm a man of god
Sometimes I'm alright
Sometimes I lay down close my eyes
And pray to god
Sometimes I don't feel good
Its hard to start the day
Its hard to climb the obstacles
That sometimes come my way
If I make it, I'm a good man.
Am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
So I let grace prevail
But I've never been left alone
In any problem that I've known
Even though I'm to blame
There were times when things were dark
And I've been known to miss the mark
But someone fixed my aim
Sometimes I'm a man of god
Sometimes I'm alright
Sometimes I lay down close my eyes
And pray to God I'm ready for the night
Monday, May 17, 2010
Jesus Loves Me
Yesterday during worship at church, we sang Jesus Loves Me. It was interesting to feel how deep the lyrics felt in the sanctuary, even though in our culture it is "just a kid's song". But it really is more than that. It has many more stanzas. The number of stanzas and the words of those stanzas can change slightly, depending where you look, but they are full of theological truth. I have often sang some of the other stanzas to my children. I really think music is a great way to transmit theological truth. There are so many scriptures I know because they are part of a song. Our kids have scripture tucked away in their hearts and don't even know it yet. Like..."the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Imagine music notes where I have quotation marks).
I love knowing the history around hymns, especially older ones. This curiosity was piqued when I was in high school and our pastor spoke a series of messages about the origination of some of the most popular hymns, including Jesus Loves Me. We often would sing all the stanzas of this song on Sunday evening services.
Here is a snippet of history about this song:
It was originally written by Anna Warner. Anna and her sister, Susan, wrote for different literary publications to support their family in the early 1800's. The song was part of a novel about a little boy who was dying. In the novel, called Say and Seal, his Sunday school teacher wrote the song for the boy to bring him comfort. The book was the second best-seller of its time, second only to Uncle Tom's Cabin. For 40 years, the women taught Bible classes for the cadets at West Point. To this day, they are the only civilians to be buried in the military cemetery at West Point, and with full military honors. Their home is maintained by West Point as a museum to their memory (Information has been taken from Then Sings My Soul by Robert J. Morgan).
It is amazing that their lives held such a tremendous amount of legacy, aside from the simple tune that children sing.
This is the original version of the lyrics, just in case you are interested.
Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong, They are weak, but He is strong.
Jesus loves me! He who died, Heaven's gates to open wide;
He will wash away my sin, Let his little child come in.
Jesus take this heart of mine, Make it pure and wholly Thine;
Thou has bled and died for me, I will hence-forth live for Thee.
Jesus loves me! He will stay, Close beside me all the way;
He's prepared a home for me, And someday His face I'll see.
Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.
I love knowing the history around hymns, especially older ones. This curiosity was piqued when I was in high school and our pastor spoke a series of messages about the origination of some of the most popular hymns, including Jesus Loves Me. We often would sing all the stanzas of this song on Sunday evening services.
Here is a snippet of history about this song:
It was originally written by Anna Warner. Anna and her sister, Susan, wrote for different literary publications to support their family in the early 1800's. The song was part of a novel about a little boy who was dying. In the novel, called Say and Seal, his Sunday school teacher wrote the song for the boy to bring him comfort. The book was the second best-seller of its time, second only to Uncle Tom's Cabin. For 40 years, the women taught Bible classes for the cadets at West Point. To this day, they are the only civilians to be buried in the military cemetery at West Point, and with full military honors. Their home is maintained by West Point as a museum to their memory (Information has been taken from Then Sings My Soul by Robert J. Morgan).
It is amazing that their lives held such a tremendous amount of legacy, aside from the simple tune that children sing.
This is the original version of the lyrics, just in case you are interested.
Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong, They are weak, but He is strong.
Jesus loves me! He who died, Heaven's gates to open wide;
He will wash away my sin, Let his little child come in.
Jesus take this heart of mine, Make it pure and wholly Thine;
Thou has bled and died for me, I will hence-forth live for Thee.
Jesus loves me! He will stay, Close beside me all the way;
He's prepared a home for me, And someday His face I'll see.
Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.
Monday, May 10, 2010
More Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts and Questions for today:
1. Why does 69 inside seem so much colder than 69 outside?
2. Why do guys have to dowse themselves in cologne before they go to the gym? Seriously, I thought I was going to pass out while on the elliptical today because every time I breathed in, all I got is a big waft of the guys cologne beside me. It isn't the first time that has happened.
3. I think Phineas and Ferb is one of the best cartoons ever made. It is intelligently written and has an awesome overall premise. It shows the amazing ingenuity and imagination that kids have, without being disrespectful to adults. The characters are actually kind to one another - except for sister Candace, but in the end, even she comes around. It teaches good lessons without being corny. And the music is great. I listen to the soundtrack in the car, even when the kids aren't with me. It just makes me feel happy.
4. Bella and Elias are developing an great sense of humor and I wish I could record the funny things they say every day. They are also becoming great helpers. When I think back to all they are able to do now, compared to a year ago, it amazes me.
5. I got my final paperwork for my trip to Peru. I will be with 20 people, ranging in ages from 13-71 with the median age around 50 and almost an even number of men and women. I am excited to meet everyone. I feel like it is going to be here before I know it. I am thinking of all the stuff I want to take and all the things I want to but know I can't.
6. I really would like to take a family vacation somewhere this year. Josh and I are not very good vacation takers. We always end up feeling like it is too expensive and so we take short weekend trips close by, but nothing substantial or terribly exciting and it normally ends up doubling as a chance to visit family. Every year we always say we are going to take a real vacation one day, but we never do.
7. I need to buy some outdoor flowers for the summer. It isn't nearly as fun to do it, now that I don't get them from my parents house (or cheap, of course). It makes me miss my parents nursery business every Spring all over again. I really never thought I would miss it when they talked about ending it. Odd how things matter when you don't realize they do.
I am glad I named my blog "Random Thoughts", since that is what I have to communicate most of the time!
1. Why does 69 inside seem so much colder than 69 outside?
2. Why do guys have to dowse themselves in cologne before they go to the gym? Seriously, I thought I was going to pass out while on the elliptical today because every time I breathed in, all I got is a big waft of the guys cologne beside me. It isn't the first time that has happened.
3. I think Phineas and Ferb is one of the best cartoons ever made. It is intelligently written and has an awesome overall premise. It shows the amazing ingenuity and imagination that kids have, without being disrespectful to adults. The characters are actually kind to one another - except for sister Candace, but in the end, even she comes around. It teaches good lessons without being corny. And the music is great. I listen to the soundtrack in the car, even when the kids aren't with me. It just makes me feel happy.
4. Bella and Elias are developing an great sense of humor and I wish I could record the funny things they say every day. They are also becoming great helpers. When I think back to all they are able to do now, compared to a year ago, it amazes me.
5. I got my final paperwork for my trip to Peru. I will be with 20 people, ranging in ages from 13-71 with the median age around 50 and almost an even number of men and women. I am excited to meet everyone. I feel like it is going to be here before I know it. I am thinking of all the stuff I want to take and all the things I want to but know I can't.
6. I really would like to take a family vacation somewhere this year. Josh and I are not very good vacation takers. We always end up feeling like it is too expensive and so we take short weekend trips close by, but nothing substantial or terribly exciting and it normally ends up doubling as a chance to visit family. Every year we always say we are going to take a real vacation one day, but we never do.
7. I need to buy some outdoor flowers for the summer. It isn't nearly as fun to do it, now that I don't get them from my parents house (or cheap, of course). It makes me miss my parents nursery business every Spring all over again. I really never thought I would miss it when they talked about ending it. Odd how things matter when you don't realize they do.
I am glad I named my blog "Random Thoughts", since that is what I have to communicate most of the time!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Glory Baby
I had a very productive Friday, which contributed less chaos to our Saturday. The kids were so good for most of the weekend (except for a few minor disturbances here and there) that I thought maybe Josh had bribed them to go easy on me this weekend for mother's day. I have gotten my choice of where I wanted to go and eat and when I suggested we all go swimming today at the gym (which is one of Josh's least favorite things to do), he got suited up and we were out the door in ten minutes without a single complaint - coming from Josh, I mean. But the best part of the day was hearing those little voices by my bed first thing this morning saying, "Happy Mother's Day". I tried to imprint their little faces looking at me in my mind to hold there forever. Those faces make up for all those years when I thought that I may never hear those words spoken to me and for me.
I remember the last Mother's Day that past before I got pregnant with Elias in summer of 2003. We were in the middle of a stalled adoption process and the doctors had told us that was probably our only option. I had finally resolved myself to mother others' children and my nieces and nephews were ready and willing to hang around Aunt Jenny then. We went to Maryland to spend the day with my family and went to church with my sister, who had recently had her fourth child. The pastor asked all the mothers and grandmothers to stand and then he asked all the women to stand. He told the congregation to place a hand on the shoulder of every woman there and pray for them. When my sister prayed for me, she broke down crying and I could tell her heart was yearning for me to be able to be a mother almost as much as I was myself. Something changed in me that day. I don't really know what it was, but from that day forward I knew that I was going to be the woman God had created me to be, no matter what happened on the child-front. I was reminded that I had important things I needed to do and I couldn't wait until my life became what I thought it should be, because my life was still going on, day-by-day, whether I had a baby or not. Even if my life didn't go from point to point the way I thought it should, that didn't mean God's plan for me was wrong. It was just not what I had planned. And now, since I have known the sorrow of feeling barren on Mother's Day, I pray for others who may feel that sorrow on this day every year. Through those years, I listened to the band Watermark a lot. Even though I never experienced the pain of a miscarriage, I felt with every negative pregnancy test, it was a baby that I had to say goodbye to on a regular basis. One of their songs was written after the singers, Nathan and Christy Nockels, had experienced a miscarriage. The lyrics still touch a place deep in me and I am reminded of how I felt when I would listen to the song for solace.
Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
I remember the last Mother's Day that past before I got pregnant with Elias in summer of 2003. We were in the middle of a stalled adoption process and the doctors had told us that was probably our only option. I had finally resolved myself to mother others' children and my nieces and nephews were ready and willing to hang around Aunt Jenny then. We went to Maryland to spend the day with my family and went to church with my sister, who had recently had her fourth child. The pastor asked all the mothers and grandmothers to stand and then he asked all the women to stand. He told the congregation to place a hand on the shoulder of every woman there and pray for them. When my sister prayed for me, she broke down crying and I could tell her heart was yearning for me to be able to be a mother almost as much as I was myself. Something changed in me that day. I don't really know what it was, but from that day forward I knew that I was going to be the woman God had created me to be, no matter what happened on the child-front. I was reminded that I had important things I needed to do and I couldn't wait until my life became what I thought it should be, because my life was still going on, day-by-day, whether I had a baby or not. Even if my life didn't go from point to point the way I thought it should, that didn't mean God's plan for me was wrong. It was just not what I had planned. And now, since I have known the sorrow of feeling barren on Mother's Day, I pray for others who may feel that sorrow on this day every year. Through those years, I listened to the band Watermark a lot. Even though I never experienced the pain of a miscarriage, I felt with every negative pregnancy test, it was a baby that I had to say goodbye to on a regular basis. One of their songs was written after the singers, Nathan and Christy Nockels, had experienced a miscarriage. The lyrics still touch a place deep in me and I am reminded of how I felt when I would listen to the song for solace.
Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Response to yesterday's blog
Most of those who read this blog probably know that when I was in college I lost a great deal of weight in about a year. It was a time when I had to confront how my actions were contradictory to what my heart and head told me was right. Before that time, I had always shrugged my shoulders to my bad eating habits or my tendency to eat for all the wrong reasons because "that is just what people do" - or at least the people I was around most of the time. Then when I started a program called Weigh Down at my church, I realized that it wasn't just a problem with food, it was a problem with my entire life and the way I approached it. I realized for the first time that I could maintain self-control, but only through replacing my love for food and control with a love for God. While I was going through the program and for years following, I kept this Bible verse on my fridge:
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor. 6:12
This verse pretty much summarizes the lesson that I had to learn about my desires for food. When it masters me, I have a problem. And when I have a problem in one area with self-control, it normally extends to other areas as well, until excess makes me feel miserable. One thing I noticed when I was going through Weigh Down is that I stopped mindlessly watching television. I would still watch it occasionally, but it wasn't that mind-numbing, channel-flipping, restless viewing. I made choices of what I wanted to watch and I was in control of my viewing, instead of the other way around. And this is just one example of how another area was effected - really all areas of my life were effected when I centered my mind on my source of help - God - and not my problems.
Now, fast forward just over 10 years and recall my last two posts. I have realized again that I have a problem. My eyes are set on what is mastering me and not on my source of help. My addictions and reasoning behind them are not all the same, but they all have the same root. I am too complacent and/or selfish to confront the things that are mastering me. I know in my heart and my head what those things are, but I can't seem to let go of them. But I know that my grasp on them is poisoning my life, even as they are the things I desire most. So I think that is why the man at the pharmacy buying the alcohol was so troubling to me yesterday. I am sure that in the beginning, and maybe even every evening still, he thinks to himself, "Tomorrow I won't take that drink. I don't need it. It is only doing me harm." But then the next opportunity comes and he gives in, maybe with a weak or even strong resistance, but he gives in just the same. I may not be addicted to alcohol, but our patterns are very similar. I am a food addict. I am a facebook addict (as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that). Every day I have to make the decision of what will be my master.
Rich Mullins had a song based on the Apostle's Creed. A verse of the song says: "And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am; I did not make it; no it is making me; It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man" I think about that song a lot when I am struggling with the realization that I am not living what I know to be right. I can shrug my shoulders and say, "Everyone else does it and even a lot of other things that are worse." or I can run to God seeking mercy and say just as Isaiah did, "I am ruined! For I am a (wo)man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."
I know which one is the right choice, but it always seems to be the harder one initially. I know there is freedom in obedience, but I have to be obedient first to taste that freedom. I don't have to give in. I don't have to allow myself to be defeated. Even if it seems hard to believe at the moment of temptation, I still have a choice. I always have a choice.
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor. 6:12
This verse pretty much summarizes the lesson that I had to learn about my desires for food. When it masters me, I have a problem. And when I have a problem in one area with self-control, it normally extends to other areas as well, until excess makes me feel miserable. One thing I noticed when I was going through Weigh Down is that I stopped mindlessly watching television. I would still watch it occasionally, but it wasn't that mind-numbing, channel-flipping, restless viewing. I made choices of what I wanted to watch and I was in control of my viewing, instead of the other way around. And this is just one example of how another area was effected - really all areas of my life were effected when I centered my mind on my source of help - God - and not my problems.
Now, fast forward just over 10 years and recall my last two posts. I have realized again that I have a problem. My eyes are set on what is mastering me and not on my source of help. My addictions and reasoning behind them are not all the same, but they all have the same root. I am too complacent and/or selfish to confront the things that are mastering me. I know in my heart and my head what those things are, but I can't seem to let go of them. But I know that my grasp on them is poisoning my life, even as they are the things I desire most. So I think that is why the man at the pharmacy buying the alcohol was so troubling to me yesterday. I am sure that in the beginning, and maybe even every evening still, he thinks to himself, "Tomorrow I won't take that drink. I don't need it. It is only doing me harm." But then the next opportunity comes and he gives in, maybe with a weak or even strong resistance, but he gives in just the same. I may not be addicted to alcohol, but our patterns are very similar. I am a food addict. I am a facebook addict (as embarrassing as it is for me to admit that). Every day I have to make the decision of what will be my master.
Rich Mullins had a song based on the Apostle's Creed. A verse of the song says: "And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am; I did not make it; no it is making me; It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man" I think about that song a lot when I am struggling with the realization that I am not living what I know to be right. I can shrug my shoulders and say, "Everyone else does it and even a lot of other things that are worse." or I can run to God seeking mercy and say just as Isaiah did, "I am ruined! For I am a (wo)man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."
I know which one is the right choice, but it always seems to be the harder one initially. I know there is freedom in obedience, but I have to be obedient first to taste that freedom. I don't have to give in. I don't have to allow myself to be defeated. Even if it seems hard to believe at the moment of temptation, I still have a choice. I always have a choice.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The things people do
I just saw a very inebriated elderly man buying a pack of beer at the pharmacy. When he had paid, he whipped out a black trash bag and proceeded (very clumsily) to cover the beer with the bag. He looked at the cashier and said, "I don't want my neighbors to see me carrying this beer into my house. It is none of their business if I buy beer or not." I felt like saying, "If it is a common occurrence for you to be in the state you are in now in the middle of the afternoon, then I don't think the trash bag is fooling anyone!" Then as we went to leave, he came just a hair from running straight into Bella with his shopping cart. He said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see her there." Indeed, he didn't. He could barely hold his head up straight. Thankfully, as he was getting into the vehicle, there was someone else in the driver's seat! The entire episode was just sad.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Too Much of a Good Thing
Tonight I am feeling stretched too thin and I am just plain weary. I really need some quiet, not from my surroundings, but in my heart. I have such a tendency to overdo - I commit to so much because they are all good things. But I am definitely feeling the phrase "Too much of a good thing". What is worst, is that I know that by stretching myself thin, no individual thing is getting my direct and best attention - so everything is suffering because of it. I feel like I am running a marathon and this last month has been like the home stretch. I can see summer as the finish line - a time when things are supposedly going to slow. - Elias will be out of school (which I am REALLY looking forward to), small group and youth will be on a semi-sabbatical (which I will miss, but I know that the extra time will refresh us all), and there will be no evening sports commitments. Bella stopped taking naps in the beginning of the winter. That used to be my quiet time. The time when I would sit down with my Bible, my journal, and silence. Since she has stopped taking naps, my time with God has been reduced to catching verses read through droopy eyelids just before bed, after I set out the clothes, pack the lunches, review my "to do" list, make a new list for the next day, etc. It isn't about my schedule as much as it is about me. I make choices every day to participate in activities that are depleting and not renewing; to be "plugged in" too much to the world around me and yet somehow still distant. There is really no words that I can use to really describe what I am feeling and I have no bits of insight into where I am going to go from here. I think I need your prayers. I am not feeling depressed or defeated, but I know when something is in need of repair and that is me right now.
From This One Place by Sara Groves
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
From This One Place by Sara Groves
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Babies, babies everywhere
I have held more babies in the last week than I have in a year, seriously. Josh and I decided that our family is complete at 4 members late last year. I thought that there may be a day that I longed to have another baby of my own to hold. So far, I haven't had prolonged urges to have another baby. Tonight as I was babysitting a sweet baby for a friend, I realized I have the best blessing. I have gotten to hold my own children and now I have open arms to help other moms with their little ones. And it is even sweeter, because I know from first-hand experience that the days of late-night feedings and spitting up are so short - and I get to come home and hug and kiss my long-legged, not-so-little ones who have lots of hugs and kisses to give...and sleep all night!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)