Well, Elias has been off school for almost two full weeks now. If I had a dime for every time I said, "I wish you two would stop fighting!", I would be a millionaire, or at least have enough to go on a nice vacation or something. But the unscheduled time has still been a nice change. We have gotten a few things accomplished on my list of summer projects and have added a couple more. I recently bought two books in hopes to have some downtime to sit and read, but I have yet to break open either one. Today, when thunderstorms rolled through, I thought how I used to love to sit and read during thunderstorms. But, alas, it wasn't meant to be today. I had to make a trip to the DMV and to get an oil change, so I couldn't.
Things have definitely been different with Elias home. Elias has been getting bored pretty easily and asks on a daily basis where we are going to go and if he can have a friend over. He has also realized that knowing how to read and write is powerful. He has been trying to figure out what things say when he sees them and when we went to see Toy Story 3 last weekend for Father's Day, he was able to read the word "donation" and "attic" without any help. He was so proud of himself. Bella had gotten used to having the house to herself for a period of time everyday and not being treated as the little sister 24/7. She has also not been getting the amount of sleep she is accustomed to, because we have been getting them to bed later, but she still gets up at 7 a.m. So they have both had some adjusting to do.
Without having all the evenings scheduled, I constantly feel like I am forgetting somewhere I am supposed to be or something I am supposed to do. I often go out thinking I have to rush home and then realize that there is no reason to get home quickly.
I am really excited because our dear friends from college, who now live out of the country, are coming to visit next week. I may not let them leave! It will be a very quick visit, since they have many more people who they need to visit in a very short time before they return to their home on the other side of the world. So, needless to say, I won't be blogging at all for a few days.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Grief doesn't tell time.
We are celebrating Father's Day today. We went to Toy Story 3 and ate leftover Colo's Pizza from last night - which was what Josh chose to do for the day. My kids have been blessed with a man who models the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love every day.
Tomorrow we have to go to Maryland for the viewing and funeral of my uncle who died suddenly on Thursday evening of a heart attack, while he was working in his garden. I was not very close to him, but my father was and I think that is why it effects me so much. He and my dad had many similarities and just as many differences, but I think that his death makes me think about when the day will come that I will get the call that it is my father and not my uncle who will not spend another day with me here on earth. After I got the call, the kids were playing outside and the sun was setting beautifully. I thought, Cliff will never again sit on his porch and watch the sunset anymore, which is the one thing I remember him doing a lot.
But I think that it is more than that. With every person who passes away in my life, it is another part of me that is passing away with them - their existence makes up part of my memories and my life. One day, I will drive past his house and there will be someone else living in it. I can tell my kids that my uncle Cliff used to live there, but it really won't mean much to them. Then one day it will be my parent's house that someone will buy. They'll remodel the rooms that my dad worked late into the night remodeling before. And I look at the relationship that my dad and uncle had and see how some of that relationship is echoed in the relationships between my own sisters. My dad will be 70 on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, and he will spend it in the funeral home. I remember birthdays in the past that we spent having picnics in our yard and my dad and Cliff argued over who had made a ringer in horseshoes. I remember when I thought that he would never grow old and now I can no longer deny that he not only has to, he already is.
The older I get, the more I realize that memories seem timeless - like there is a vacuum they're kept in to preserve them. I commented in a recent blog post about how the memories of my childhood are categorized and static and that I didn't really remember that much. But I think I missed the mark a little. I think they are categorized and static, but like a chemical reaction,, when a catalyst is added - like a death or life change - it breaks open a whole new storehouse of memories that you forgot you had. And a person you had little relationship with yourself can still impact you if a person you love had a deep relationship with them.
And as one of God's creatures, I feel the loss of human life because it makes me see the frailty of humanity in general.
Tomorrow we have to go to Maryland for the viewing and funeral of my uncle who died suddenly on Thursday evening of a heart attack, while he was working in his garden. I was not very close to him, but my father was and I think that is why it effects me so much. He and my dad had many similarities and just as many differences, but I think that his death makes me think about when the day will come that I will get the call that it is my father and not my uncle who will not spend another day with me here on earth. After I got the call, the kids were playing outside and the sun was setting beautifully. I thought, Cliff will never again sit on his porch and watch the sunset anymore, which is the one thing I remember him doing a lot.
But I think that it is more than that. With every person who passes away in my life, it is another part of me that is passing away with them - their existence makes up part of my memories and my life. One day, I will drive past his house and there will be someone else living in it. I can tell my kids that my uncle Cliff used to live there, but it really won't mean much to them. Then one day it will be my parent's house that someone will buy. They'll remodel the rooms that my dad worked late into the night remodeling before. And I look at the relationship that my dad and uncle had and see how some of that relationship is echoed in the relationships between my own sisters. My dad will be 70 on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, and he will spend it in the funeral home. I remember birthdays in the past that we spent having picnics in our yard and my dad and Cliff argued over who had made a ringer in horseshoes. I remember when I thought that he would never grow old and now I can no longer deny that he not only has to, he already is.
The older I get, the more I realize that memories seem timeless - like there is a vacuum they're kept in to preserve them. I commented in a recent blog post about how the memories of my childhood are categorized and static and that I didn't really remember that much. But I think I missed the mark a little. I think they are categorized and static, but like a chemical reaction,, when a catalyst is added - like a death or life change - it breaks open a whole new storehouse of memories that you forgot you had. And a person you had little relationship with yourself can still impact you if a person you love had a deep relationship with them.
And as one of God's creatures, I feel the loss of human life because it makes me see the frailty of humanity in general.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Mama Mia! Here I go again!
Last night I stayed up insanely late, but was having such a productive evening, I kept thinking, "I will do this one thing and then I will head to bed." So when I did crawl into my bed after 2 a.m., I was so wired from my fury of activity, I couldn't sleep. So the last time I looked at my clock, it read 3:34. Then Bella woke up, for some unknown reason, at 5 a.m.. I seriously felt as if I had dozed off for just a minute when I first heard her calling for me. I put her in my bed and she slept until Elias got up at 7. Luckily, the kids had mercy on me and let me go back to bed around 8:30. I slept until 10 a.m., which I seriously can't remember the last time I did that, except when I was sick over the winter. I have definitely been less scheduled this week, but I feel like there is a backlog of things that I have been needing to get done that I now have time to do, so I haven't slowed down as much as I thought I might this week. But it still has felt more relaxed because most everything I have been doing has been on my own time schedule. During the school year, I feel like I just get something started before it is time to leave for the next activity. And not having to be anywhere first thing in the morning is, in itself, more relaxing. It also feels really good to see such progress being made on my long to do list. I have a short to do list, those tasks that need to be done now,and then a longer one that needs done when I get time. I love when I can mark things off my long list.
I had rented "Mama Mia" on Netflix and I watched it last night, as I was writing to my Compassion kids, paying bills, and sending out e-mails. From the previews and the media buzz, I thought I would like it more. But not everyone is cut out for musical theater - someone should have informed the majority of the main characters in that movie, especially Pierce Brosnan. Some of the awkward dances and lip synced singing was almost painful to watch. And even though I loved most of the songs and music, toward the end I had my fill of the singing sequences. Plus, the plot was predictable and flat. I know that others may differ in opinion, but I would rather remember dancing to "Dancing Queen" and all of the other ABBA hits as a kid in my living room with my older sisters, singing into hairbrushes.
I had rented "Mama Mia" on Netflix and I watched it last night, as I was writing to my Compassion kids, paying bills, and sending out e-mails. From the previews and the media buzz, I thought I would like it more. But not everyone is cut out for musical theater - someone should have informed the majority of the main characters in that movie, especially Pierce Brosnan. Some of the awkward dances and lip synced singing was almost painful to watch. And even though I loved most of the songs and music, toward the end I had my fill of the singing sequences. Plus, the plot was predictable and flat. I know that others may differ in opinion, but I would rather remember dancing to "Dancing Queen" and all of the other ABBA hits as a kid in my living room with my older sisters, singing into hairbrushes.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Legacies and that such stuff
This is a shameless advertisement for the Women's Ministry Potluck Picnic.
If you attend SRC and you didn't get to come last night, you really should plan on attending next time. Or even if you don't attend SRC, you are welcome. It was what I needed - to be reminded that Spiritual discipline may take time out of my day, but adds back twice as much to my life. I always feel anxious about what food to bring and saying the wrong thing (which seems that I inevitably do at least two to three times at any function), but all that really isn't important in the big scheme of things. Everything in the end is just between me and God.
I am still processing things. I feel like I am still in recovery mode from the hectic pace I have kept this Spring. This week I plan to be quieter and to do what is best for my Spiritual health, even if it feels contradictory to what I really want to do or even seems feasible. This week is the first full week after school has ended and all of our Spring activities have come to an end. It felt like a breath of fresh air this morning - and I am not just saying that as a cliche - It was my first Monday that isn't the start of a week of hustle and bustle. In fact, we have one scheduled event, a doctor's appointment this morning for Elias. There will be little hustle and no bustle. I need it, even though I am not quite sure how to handle it. I have a bad habit of creating hustle and bustle. I feel guilty if I don't. But having a good work ethic doesn't mean that I am not allowed to rest when the opportunity arises. When I was young, I used to wonder why my parents couldn't just sit down and relax a little. Now I am sure my kids think the same about me some days. I often think of how they will remember me when they get to adulthood. What legacy is the most important to leave?
Legacy by Nichole Nordeman
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...
If you attend SRC and you didn't get to come last night, you really should plan on attending next time. Or even if you don't attend SRC, you are welcome. It was what I needed - to be reminded that Spiritual discipline may take time out of my day, but adds back twice as much to my life. I always feel anxious about what food to bring and saying the wrong thing (which seems that I inevitably do at least two to three times at any function), but all that really isn't important in the big scheme of things. Everything in the end is just between me and God.
I am still processing things. I feel like I am still in recovery mode from the hectic pace I have kept this Spring. This week I plan to be quieter and to do what is best for my Spiritual health, even if it feels contradictory to what I really want to do or even seems feasible. This week is the first full week after school has ended and all of our Spring activities have come to an end. It felt like a breath of fresh air this morning - and I am not just saying that as a cliche - It was my first Monday that isn't the start of a week of hustle and bustle. In fact, we have one scheduled event, a doctor's appointment this morning for Elias. There will be little hustle and no bustle. I need it, even though I am not quite sure how to handle it. I have a bad habit of creating hustle and bustle. I feel guilty if I don't. But having a good work ethic doesn't mean that I am not allowed to rest when the opportunity arises. When I was young, I used to wonder why my parents couldn't just sit down and relax a little. Now I am sure my kids think the same about me some days. I often think of how they will remember me when they get to adulthood. What legacy is the most important to leave?
Legacy by Nichole Nordeman
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Closing Time
Today was Elias' last day of school and his soccer party to celebrate the end of the season. Our small group is having our last social event Friday and Bella's gymnastics classes ended the last week of May. We have been outside as much as possible lately and our days have been a buzz of "closing" events.
It feels good to know we have so much unscheduled time ahead of us, but a part of it is daunting. I have had to resist the urge to say, "Of course, we can do such & such, because we have all this time on our hands." I know that summer will probably pass in a blur and next school year will begin too soon. We looked at pictures of Elias' first day of kindergarten and it is amazing how 9 months have changed our children. We took pictures again this morning.
I get my camera out less and less these days. I wish there was a way to just have a camera rolling every day (without my knowledge-I don't want to become a crazy reality television casualty!), so it could record the mundane moments that make up much of my life. I read a blog recently that said home movies aren't a realistic picture of our lives. I have to agree. There are so many quirky or sentimental things that occur every day that never get recorded, but mean so much. But as soon as I turn on my camera, whether it is video or still, my kids automatically go into "picture mode", sometimes dodging the camera and acting silly or being a ham and putting on quite a performance. We were in the car the other day and Bella was singing a song emphatically. We had our video camera with us, since we were on our way to one of our "closing" events, and so I filmed her without her knowing it - for about 5 seconds - then the magic was over.
I seem to remember my childhood in snapshots and so many of my thoughts of how things, people, and situations were are sort of compartmentalized and static. But I know there are parts that I have forgotten or have chosen to forget or never understood the importance of at the moment. There are relationships that were more dynamic than I knew and people who cared about me more than I gave them credit for at the time. Just the other day, I told Josh something about my childhood that he never knew. It surprised me that there could be something that I have not told him in our 18+ years together. And it made me realize how few moments of my life that I remember myself. There are almost 526,000 minutes in a year - I googled it. That means I have lived approximately 18 MILLION minutes, give or take a few thousand. Now, if you subtract that by half, to account for sleep and babyhood, that is still 9 MILLION minutes! Yet if I added up all the moments I remember vividly, I can't imagine that they total more than a couple million. But I know all the other minutes are there somewhere and have helped make me who I am. I know having kids and seeing them go through their own lives as children has unlocked memories of my childhood that I had long forgotten.
Recently, I posted a song by Watermark called Glory Baby about miscarrying a baby. On their next CD, they wrote another song titled Noah's Song about their son who was then a toddler. I think about this song a lot in those moments when I see my kids discovering something for the first time or they do something that reminds me of something I did as a child and had long forgotten.
Sweet Noah by Watermark
Your eyes are a window
To all of our childhood dreams
It's almost like we're starting over again
One more trip through this life
With different eyes to see
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the joy we lack
With your tiny hands
You touch a different world
Your full of wonder, full of hope
And full of one more chance
For us to see the world again
Like God sees the world
Little lover of God
You'd smile at a stranger
You don't think to be careful
How sweet is your love
You'd reach for the most unlovely of creatures
Your love is so unconditional
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the love we lack
With your tiny heart
You'll love a different world
Your full of wonder, full of hope
And full of one more chance
For us to love the world again
Like God loves the world
And a child shall lead them
For such is the kingdom of heaven
Simple faith, simple love
Just because
Little faithful one
You're just like a mirror
Reflecting anything and everything we do
Mirror, mirror oh how you remind us
That we should reflect our Father just the same
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the faith we lack
With your tiny life
You've shown the precious love of God
He's full of mercy, full of grace,
And full of one more chance
For us to daily learn to love
Like He first loved us
And a child shall lead them
For such is the kingdom of heaven
Simple faith, simple love
Just because
It feels good to know we have so much unscheduled time ahead of us, but a part of it is daunting. I have had to resist the urge to say, "Of course, we can do such & such, because we have all this time on our hands." I know that summer will probably pass in a blur and next school year will begin too soon. We looked at pictures of Elias' first day of kindergarten and it is amazing how 9 months have changed our children. We took pictures again this morning.
I get my camera out less and less these days. I wish there was a way to just have a camera rolling every day (without my knowledge-I don't want to become a crazy reality television casualty!), so it could record the mundane moments that make up much of my life. I read a blog recently that said home movies aren't a realistic picture of our lives. I have to agree. There are so many quirky or sentimental things that occur every day that never get recorded, but mean so much. But as soon as I turn on my camera, whether it is video or still, my kids automatically go into "picture mode", sometimes dodging the camera and acting silly or being a ham and putting on quite a performance. We were in the car the other day and Bella was singing a song emphatically. We had our video camera with us, since we were on our way to one of our "closing" events, and so I filmed her without her knowing it - for about 5 seconds - then the magic was over.
I seem to remember my childhood in snapshots and so many of my thoughts of how things, people, and situations were are sort of compartmentalized and static. But I know there are parts that I have forgotten or have chosen to forget or never understood the importance of at the moment. There are relationships that were more dynamic than I knew and people who cared about me more than I gave them credit for at the time. Just the other day, I told Josh something about my childhood that he never knew. It surprised me that there could be something that I have not told him in our 18+ years together. And it made me realize how few moments of my life that I remember myself. There are almost 526,000 minutes in a year - I googled it. That means I have lived approximately 18 MILLION minutes, give or take a few thousand. Now, if you subtract that by half, to account for sleep and babyhood, that is still 9 MILLION minutes! Yet if I added up all the moments I remember vividly, I can't imagine that they total more than a couple million. But I know all the other minutes are there somewhere and have helped make me who I am. I know having kids and seeing them go through their own lives as children has unlocked memories of my childhood that I had long forgotten.
Recently, I posted a song by Watermark called Glory Baby about miscarrying a baby. On their next CD, they wrote another song titled Noah's Song about their son who was then a toddler. I think about this song a lot in those moments when I see my kids discovering something for the first time or they do something that reminds me of something I did as a child and had long forgotten.
Sweet Noah by Watermark
Your eyes are a window
To all of our childhood dreams
It's almost like we're starting over again
One more trip through this life
With different eyes to see
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the joy we lack
With your tiny hands
You touch a different world
Your full of wonder, full of hope
And full of one more chance
For us to see the world again
Like God sees the world
Little lover of God
You'd smile at a stranger
You don't think to be careful
How sweet is your love
You'd reach for the most unlovely of creatures
Your love is so unconditional
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the love we lack
With your tiny heart
You'll love a different world
Your full of wonder, full of hope
And full of one more chance
For us to love the world again
Like God loves the world
And a child shall lead them
For such is the kingdom of heaven
Simple faith, simple love
Just because
Little faithful one
You're just like a mirror
Reflecting anything and everything we do
Mirror, mirror oh how you remind us
That we should reflect our Father just the same
You're the gift that came to take us back
Cause baby dear, you have the faith we lack
With your tiny life
You've shown the precious love of God
He's full of mercy, full of grace,
And full of one more chance
For us to daily learn to love
Like He first loved us
And a child shall lead them
For such is the kingdom of heaven
Simple faith, simple love
Just because
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