Black Friday=Day of Rest

I had plans yesterday of getting up, hitting the gym, working all day on projects around the house, etc.  I even toyed briefly with the idea of going shopping to get a deal on the kids' Christmas gifts, but after working at the mall for 4 Christmases, I know that shopping today would be a humbug for me.  I also thought about putting the Christmas decorations up (which is usually our tradition to do this weekend).  But in the end, I have done pretty much nothing all day and it feels great!  I couldn't do this every day, nor would I want to, but every now and then, it is just nice to just be unproductive.  So far today I have: checked my e-mail, facebook, and blogs; served bagels for breakfast; watched a movie alone while my kids in the basement (which I never do, especially on a weekday); played a video game with Josh; had a nerf gun battle with the kids; ate leftovers; watched "Cars" with the kids; napped with Bella on the couch after she fell asleep when "Cars" ended; napped by myself after she woke up and went off to play with Elias; and now I am typing this.  I have thought briefly about all that I should be doing, but I feel like it is a little late in the day to start now.  I know that tomorrow will be more hectic because I didn't get anything accomplished today, but I know God knew what he was talking about when he taught us that we need a day of rest.  For a long time, Josh and I have tried diligently to make Sundays a day of rest - not to do extra work that day, to spend time as a family, to review with the kids and ourselves what we learned in church that morning.  But I have to admit that since Elias started school last year, it just hasn't been the same for me.  Sunday is just before Monday and Monday has became "Just another manac Monday".  On Sunday, I am getting into "general mode", making my strategic plans for the week in my head and on paper.  I have to make sure clothes are laid out, lunch is packed, homework is done, etc.  Josh is also beginning to think about his week of work.  It really has taken much out of our day of rest.  It is not surprising that resting is more of a mental exercise than a physical one.  Doesn't it all lead back to our hearts and minds?  "Love the Lord your God with all your  heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind."  There is a song that I used to listen to in the mornings at work to sort of bring me peace before the start of busy days.  Now, it pops into my mind whenever I feel that my mind needs a little rest.  It sort of like a back and forth conversation between God and a man who is struggling with having rest of mind.

Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline

One more mile 'til I lay rest
I have put myself through this rigid test
But the mile has never ended no distance has been gained
I do not see greatness I wanted to obtain
Where is my embrace from the race that I have run?
I have kept a steady pace but still I have not won

[CHORUS]
Rest easy
have no fear
I love you perfectly
love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
you take My grace
Rest easy
in My embrace

I am such a sinner I fear my evil ways
I fear my imperfection I fear my final days
I just want to take control and snap this rusty chain
drop my heavy burden it seems to be in vain

[REPEAT CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
I am not a bold man even though I want to be
I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
the world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly
The sky, the sky is open wide
but I can't fly 'til I step aside

[CHORUS II]
Rest easy
have no fear
I love you perfectly
and perfect love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
you take My grace
Rest easy
in My embrace
Rest easy, rest easy
rest easy, in My embrace
Rest easy

Lessons I learn while teaching my children

This morning Elias and Bella were getting in a drawer and messing with the stapler and note paper and envelopes.  I asked them to leave them alone and to go play.  Elias kept pulling paper and assorted sized envelopes out of the drawer and saying, "Can I staple this one?".  Finally, I told him, "Why do you focus on the one thing you can't do, instead of going and doing all the things you can do?". 
That simple statement to him reiterated something I had just been reading in Romans 8.  Lately, I have been really struggling with my eating.  I am a food addict and find with this I am often battling, sometimes hardly at all and other times to the point of frustration.  I know that my battle isn't about will power or calories or healthy food verses junk food - to summarize Romans 8, it is about the battle that is within me to gratify my human nature and not what the Spirit of God within me instructs.  In essence, I focus on the one thing I want, but don't really need, instead of all the things that I can have and God wants for me.  When in college, I lost a lot of weight, but gained a Godly perspective on how gluttony really does damage my relationship with God and others.  But, oh, I so often forget...or chose to ignore...the truths I already know.  And the sin of indulging in what the body wants, instead of what the body needs is like gravity.  The more I indulge, the more I get pulled in by the enticement and its control.  The more I take my focus off of it and deny my human desires when it comes to food, the less control it has over me.  I know my battle is not against the food, but in my desire to have control...Just like my battle with Elias wasn't simply over using the stapler, but who was going to gain control in the situation and get what they wanted. 

It's my life and I can cry if I want to...

If you know me well, you know that I cry easy.  It doesn't take much to get the water works going.  I hate this about myself.  I have tried about every tactic to stem the flow of tears that seem to bubble up into my throat and then spring from my eyes.  I often wonder if people think that I am emotionally unstable at times because the simpliest things can make me weep.  I get so frustrated with myself, but it is just something I can't really control that well.  Sometimes I wonder if I allow myself to feel too deeply.  But now, I have come to realize that Elias is a lot like me and sometimes it kills me to know that he will have to deal with overflowing emotions - especially since that is even more undesirable for a man. 
We will be saying goodbye to some friends tomorrow night who are moving away and Elias has been very emotional the past few days.  It feels selfish of me to be sad or feel sorry for Elias missing our friends, when they will be the ones experiencing the greater transition, but it does make my heart sad to see him trying hard to work through these feelings.  Even now, I feel teary-eyed thinking about them.  I feel like thinking, "It isn't fair that they are leaving.", but that is not only selfish, that is crazy. 

Again, Sara Groves has the perfect song...(I am sorry for the continual Sara Groves references, but I seriously feels like her songs explain my life.)


A Lot Like Me by Sara Groves

Baby, I'm afraid you're a lot like me
You can't help feeling everything
I can see you trying to hold it in
I see your eyes and your trembling chin
And for you and myself I will pray
Let our weakness become our strength
Baby, there are some holes you just can't fill
You try and try, but you never will
Baby, I believe a God who can
He loves the boy and he'll love the man
And for you and myself I will pray
Let our weakness become our strength

Busy weekend

It was a very busy, but very productive weekend.  The only problem is, now I feel like I need a weekend to rest from the busyness.  My kids are still not all the way in bed and it is after 9 p.m..  They have been "going to bed" for about 30 minutes now.  That's what happens when they take 2 hour naps!  It is also what happens when mommy goofs around and doesn't strategically plan for bedtime.  I often feel like I am a general and I am either preparing for battle or in the midst of it.  If I don't prepare well, then the entire operation is in jeopardy!  And then there is also the inevitable last minute potty emergency or the unexpected spill that can throw a wrench into all my well-laid plans!  And, unfortunately, I can get easily irritated when things go against my plans.  This is something I have battled for as long as I remember.  I wish I could "roll with the flow" more.  Of course, there are days and times when I am able to smile in the midst of chaos, but most of the time it creates chaos inside me as well.  I look at people who seem to never get rattled or need order to function and I wonder why I can't seem to grasp that secret.  My brain is always organizing, always categorizing, always calculating how to best fit the awkward pieces of life into a neat puzzle. 
This weekend, we cleaned up the landscaping in front of the house, painted the front porch and the french doors in the living room.  We had to go to a birthday party last night at 6 and I was literally finishing the last coat on the doors at 5:40!  I felt like I was on an HGTV show.  It felt so good to scratch those huge tasks off my "to do" list.  I enjoy marking things off that list so much - especially when they have been on there for a while, as painting projects normally are.  Josh was a trooper.  He was willing to work all day and, against his better judgment, tackle two painting projects in one day because he knew how important it was for me to have the projects done.  I appreciate him so much and I could never have had a better partner in life than him.
Now I have to go and do my strategic planning for this coming week.

It's Veteran's Day - but here comes Christmas!

Elias is off school today for Veteran's Day (Thank you sincerely to any veterans or military, or family members of military who may be reading this blog.).  It is so nice to be able to move a little slower and not have a stringent schedule to manage.  The kids are now napping and I can relax without having to keep my eye on the clock.  Normally, I have to wake Bella up to get Elias off the bus by 3:30.  We had a play date with one of Elias' former preschool classmates, who has a sister who is a little younger than Bella, and the kids had a great time.  I enjoyed it too, because this classmates' mother and I had formed a friendship last year and we haven't been able to keep in touch since school ended last Spring.  I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving break - though I am sure I will be ready to send Elias off to school again by the end of it!  Elias and Bella were playing so well together this morning.  There was hardly a bicker between the two of them before their friends arrived.  I know by Friday of the Thanksgiving break I will have had plenty of time to referee!  This school year is moving along so quickly and Christmas will be here before we know it.
I am normally resistant to starting some Christmas traditions too early, but I love Christmas music and think it is a shame that we sequester some songs to only Christmas time. Many are about the foundations of our faith, not just a day on the calendar.  One of my favorites is "Mary's song" - or probably better known as "Breath of Heaven".  It is a beautiful song written from Mary's point of view that really reminds me deeply that Mary was an actual girl, with real emotions and a real life, not just a character in a story.  So, I have filled my ipod with Christmas music and I am looking forward to getting on the treadmill more, since I know I have the music there waiting for me.  I also love Christmas movies.  My favorite is the Christmas Carol, but I also enjoy Bing Crosby's White Christmas and the 1990's version of Miracle on 34th Street and several others.  Then there are all the cartoons.  I used to love "Flintstone's Christmas Carol", but, sadly, it was on VHS, so we can no longer watch it.  Most people never knew it even existed, but it is a classic indeed!  Josh does not share my love for Christmas movies or music, but he is always more interested in putting up decorations than I am.  It is probably odd that I am hesitant to get the decorations out, being the female in the house and probably more naturally inclined to decorate - I just know whatever goes up, must come down.  And I am always the first to say that it is time for everything to come down and then it is time for Josh to be hesitant.  This year, I really want to practice advent in our home.  We have talked about doing it for several years, but now I think the kids are old enough to be able to participate in it, so I think this is the year.  I just don't want all the American traditions of Christmas to suffocate the reason we celebrate in the first place.  I want it to be a time set apart for reflection and appreciation to God, not a time spent in a blur of activity and indulgence.  It is so easy to get pulled into the chaos.  That reminds me again of "Mary's Song", about letting God "hold me together" and "lighten my darkness."

Breath Of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary, with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father you have come
And chosen me now, to carry your son.
I am waiting, in a silent prayer
I am frightened, by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now.
Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy,
Breath of Heaven.
Do you wonder when you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong, help me be strong,
Help me be strong, help me.
Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy.
Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy.
Breath of Heaven,

How could they do this to me?

I just found out today that Twinings has discontinued my favorite tea!  I am completely bummed.  I still have 4 boxes (because I ordered it by cases of 8 straight from the company or amazon, because local stores didn't carry it), so I will be using them very sparingly.  I think it is just a bit ironic that I had just included my love for that tea in my blog and then they discontinued it!
On another note, Elias came home from school Friday a happy camper.  He still misses Camden, but he's going to be okay.  And a new boy named Brandon moved into his class.  I figure he is from the area and was on a waiting list to get in and when Camden left, it created an opening for him.  He also had a great play date with two of his preschool friends today, so he is back to his old self again.

First School Crisis

Yesterday when Elias came home from school he told me that his classmate Camden, who he had been playing and interacting with the most at school, was moving to Whitehall.  We didn't talk too long about it, except for praying for Camden to have an easy adjustment at the dinner table.  Then when Elias prepared to go to bed, he began to sob and then bawl.  At first, we had no idea what was wrong with him because we couldn't understand what he was saying.  Then finally we were able to piece it together.  He was sad that Camden was leaving and he was afraid that he wouldn't have anyone to play with at recess because the two of them always played together and everyone else already had other friends.  He also said that his only other best friend was Nicky, who was his preschool classmate, and that "a little piece of his heart still misses him too.".  Josh and I just held him and let him cry. I have to admit I shed a few tears too.  Not just because he was so sad, but because I know that this is just the start of a lifetime of similar hurts - friends leaving, wondering where you fit in with others, etc.  When he got up this morning, he seemed fine, but I am really looking forward to picking him up from the bus stop today.  Part of my mommy instinct just wants to go to the school during recess to make sure that other kids play with him, but I know that would be crazy.  I even had a fleeting thought about going and picking him up from school at lunch time and taking him out to lunch and keeping him out until after recess is over - since recess is directly after lunch.  But I realized quickly that I can't shield him from everything and that taking him to lunch today wouldn't help the problem long-term.  And even if I would take him out every day at lunch and recess time, I would just be handicapping him from learning to cope.  I know that I have had a lot of hurt in my life, but if I wouldn't have had the hurt, I would be a very different person today, and I don't really think it would be for the better.  What really surprised me was that Elias felt anxiety about not fitting in completely with all his classmates.  Before this point, he seemed pretty self-assured and immune to thoughts of fitting in to groups.  Of course, I always knew that there would come a point when he started becoming effected by social norms and relationship issues, I just didn't think it would come this soon.  I think that he will be okay and that after a few days he will realize that other kids will take Camden's place, but I feel so sad for the future relational problems that will hit harder and hurt deeper.
It was a very sad evening last night, for this and many other reasons I won't discuss here.  But I woke up this morning and the sun was shining and Elias and Bella were laughing and playing together and Josh smiled at me as he prepared for work and I realized again that God's mercies are new every morning.  No matter what hurt lies around the bend, God is always faithful to heal and restore.  I was reading in "Crazy Love" this morning about people who made ministries out of heartache.  There was a boy from Tanzania whose mother tried to abort him late in pregnancy by taking the "Morning after pill".  She went into premature labor and he was born very small.  But in the end, this ended up saving his life because his mother had AIDS and since there was no bleeding caused by his birth, the virus was not transmitted to him.  What an amazing testimony of how something that was meant for evil was used for good!  I can think of so many instances of things like this in my own life and I hope I will allow God to help me use those things to make me become better, not bitter. 

We Live by Superchick

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be their last time; she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

Chorus:
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love

There is a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we are meant to do

Chorus

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

The little things

I was sitting having a cup of my favorite tea today and I was reflecting on how that cup of tea really makes me feel better - the warmth of the cup in my hand, the comfort of homey smell, the sweet earthiness of the teaspoon of honey I mix into it.  It is something so small, but I savor it each time I have it and if I didn't, I would probably stop drinking it because then it would be just tea - something to put fluid into my body.  But as I was sitting on my favorite chair with my favorite tea, I thought about last night and the struggle I had with another small thing.  I had a hule of a popcorn kernel stuck in my gum inside the edge of a crown I have over one of my molars.  When I flossed it, it just wedged it in further into the root and was so painful it throbbed and gave me a headache yesterday so bad that I had to take ibuprofen.  I began to think I was going to have to go to the dentist to see if they could remove it, because it had been there since Saturday evening and nothing I did would remove it and I feared it would make my already compromised crowned tooth to become abscess.  I told Josh that I think that Paul must have been referring to a popcorn kernel being wedged into his gum when he referred to the "thorn in his side"!  So I began to pray that God would somehow help it to come out, either by divine intervention or by the dentist or a chisel - anything, just get it out!  I know it might seem crazy to pray about something like this, but I do it all the time.  So I went to bed and lay there feeling my heart beat in the root of this tooth and wondering how much the dentist would charge me and how much longer I could handle the pain.  After about 20 minutes, I just felt this urge to go try yet again to remove this thing with floss - though I had tried multiple times before for 3-5 minutes at a time.  As I was working the floss back and forth, the tiniest piece of something showed up on my tooth.  It was probably about the size of the top of a stick pin.  My gum was still sore, from all the poking and prodding, but the throbbing was gone.  I could not believe that something so small could have put me in such agony for 2 days!  But then thinking about this situation and my tea lead me to think about all the other small things that affect me, for better and worse, in my life.  I realize all the time that the littlest things in my life have made the most impact.

Here are just a few little things, good and bad, that have had great impact on me in my life:
- One of the first memories I have is of my mom and dad kissing at the door when my dad would leave for work.  I always knew when things were going well in my home when I saw that in the morning.
- The smell of Charlie perfume always makes me think of celebration times with my family, because that is the perfume my mother wore on special occasions.
- Another of my first memories is of my oldest sister having violent arguments with my parents and the day she put her fist through the wall of her room and came back out with bloody knuckles and the look on her face that said, "What have I just done and why am I doing this?" and I saw for just a minute the vulnerable side of her hardened heart.  I just can't describe it, but it affected me deeply because I saw on her face how much it effected her.
- I had a teacher in the eighth grade cross all boundaries of teacher protocol when I was going through a time of depression and the school counselors were getting ready to refer me to a psychiatrist.  I will never forget what he looked like when he said one morning in a very firm voice, "You don't need a psychiatrist.  You need to get yourself into a church and let God deal with this."  Less than 2 months later I was attending church regularly and it was the beginning of the best decisions of my life.
- Then when I was 25, I walked into that same teacher's classroom and told him how much that had meant to me for the very first time and we both stood crying as he told me he works every day to be a good teacher and witness, but often feels like it isn't enough, and that it was such a blessing to know that something he didn't even remember saying effected me so much.
- One of the first times I talked to Josh on the telephone, his mother came into his room to tell him goodnight.  While I was still on the line, he gave her a hug and told her he loved her.  It really meant the world to me that even though he liked me and we were not even dating yet, he didn't care about appearing weak or juvenile and not the "macho" man teenager boys were supposed to be.  
- When I was pregnant with Elias and the doctors told us he was going to be slightly mentally handicapped and would need surgery immediately after birth (which obviously did not happen, Praise the Lord!).  I rode home from the doctor's office so cold and numb.  It was January, and when we arrived home, we found our front door standing wide open to our house and we had been gone about 10 hours that day.  Apparently, the door didn't latch all the way and high winds had blown it open.  We were very tight on money and gas for the furnace was high and we felt invaded upon to know that anyone could have come into our house throughout the day.  I remember sitting on the stairs in our freezing apartment, my body so cold inside and outside and feeling like the cold and the loss of security I felt from the door being opened mirrored the cold and loss of security I felt in my heart.
- When Elias played soccer this past season, every time he scored a goal or made a field play, he would look over to Josh and I sitting on the sidelines.  When he saw us watching, he would get a slight grin on his face and then go back to paying attention to the coach or referee.  There was so much communicated in that simple look on both sides that even now it brings tears to my eyes.  Not just because I love having these type of moments with my kids, but also for all the other kids who don't get these moments with their parents, either by the selfish choices of the parents or the unfortunate circumstances of life.  I think all the time about what "moments" my kids will hold when they get older.  What memories will hang like framed snapshots in their minds.  I hope that we have a lifetime to develop them together.  But even if we don't, I hope that everyday I am giving them new ones to tuck away in their ever developing minds, so if I am ever not here for them one day, they can reach in and still have a piece of me with them always. 
There are so many of these moments and I know we all have them.  I know that the little things are what makes up my life and that we are part of the make up of the little things in other's lives around us. I have been taking some new classes at the gym this week.  One of the instructors kept telling us to focus on the movement, or the stretch, or the breath, etc.  It is amazing how much more of an impact a movement or a stretch or a breath has on your body when you purposely pay attention to it.  Try it and you will see.  If we pay attention to the little things in life - the seemingly meaningless conversations in the car, the little gestures of kindness that other's show you, the cashier who is chattering as she checks you out at the grocery store, etc. - How much more impact could it have on us?  How much more impact can we have on others?
 
From Small Piece of You by Sara Groves
I just want a small piece of you
a token to put in my pocket
and I will own that one thing
and it would make me happy
I just want a small piece of you
something to put in a locket
and i will look at it daily
and that will make me happy

Halloween - to be or not to be?

Last night we took the kids trick-or-treating and felt so overwhelmed by all the candy when they got home!  We had probably about 6-8 pounds of candy - and that is not an exaggeration!  Now that both Bella and Elias are in full trick-or-treater mode (meaning they are both able to walk and talk well, carry their bags, etc.), it is amazing how much more candy they collect.  I looked at all this candy that we definitely don't need and felt saddened.  I know it is silly, but I did.  I thought about all the money that was spent on all those candy bars and sugar and costumes and decorations, etc. and how it could have went to some better purpose.  Believe me, I like candy as much as the next person and I also believe that there is a time to celebrate and I love to watch my kids get excited about wearing their costumes and getting candy simply by going up to someone's door.  But this year I was really bothered by the whole extravagance behind trick-or-treating and the message it sends to kids.  I just think it feels like I am telling them they are entitled to be treated to food that is damaging to their bodies by strangers, when so many kids in the world don't have enough nutritious food, let alone treats.  We tell them to stay away from strangers and evil, but we walk them up to the door of people they don't know, who sometimes are wearing scary costumes or have gory decorations.  It just all seems so counter-productive.

And I am not even touching on the other part of the underlying Halloween question of whether it is okay to participate in a holiday that is a celebration of the darker side of humanity.  A friend's post on facebook the other day said, "Just because I want to let my kids trick-or-treat doesn't mean I worship Satan."  I chuckled when I read it, but it sure began an intense dialogue of comments.  I have never had a problem with taking my kids trick-or-treating or giving out candy, because I always had very fond memories of it as a kid and I feel it increases a neighborhoods' sense of community.  Carving pumpkins and having halloween parades and parties are fun and can be great family bonding times.  But I know people who feel like it is best to separate completely from the holiday and its conflicting ideals.  I always thought this was over the top, until Elias came home spouting off all the Halloween was "supposed" to be about, based on what he heard at school.  According to him, Halloween is all about scary things like skeletons, ghosts, werewolves, witches, vampires, and stuff like that.  He got very upset when we wouldn't let him carve his pumpkin this year with any of these images.  Before now, we have always had complete control over what he knew and understood about Halloween.  Now that all these new ideas have been introduced to him, we are now trying to figure out where to draw the line and how to explain the conflict of ideas to Elias.  Is it okay to dress up for Halloween, as long as the costume doesn't have evil connotations?  Should we have parties, as long as we call them "Harvest Celebrations"?  Should we let them watch shows that have "good witches" in them and pass it off as too heavy for them to really understand right now or should we not allow any programs that make light of witches and wizards or the like?  Then what about the Lord of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia, which are supposed to be allegorical to the plight of good and evil in the world and of God's relationship with us, but definitely include good and bad magic in them?  What about Disney's "Wizards of Waverly Place" (which I have to admit, I like watching myself)?  I have wondered if people who really worship Satan look at trick-or-treating and cutsy costumes and parties the way Christians look at excessive gift buying, decorating, and partying at Christmas - something that just distracts from the true meaning or if they are just glad that people celebrate "their" holiday at all.  Then that makes me wonder how much we should delve into the Americanized version of Christmas and how much it really reflects our celebration of Christ's birth or if it just gives us another reason to party, eat, and get stuff in the middle of the winter. I have found no definitive answers, but I am definitely searching for God's guidance.  Many things seemed so much easier to answer before I had kids! School has definitely caused me to be a lot more proactive about my decision-making.  Elias is learning a lot of new things and he is already weighing it against what he hears from home.  If we aren't proactive now, later might be too late!