Where he leads me - will I follow?

Yesterday at church, we sang the song "We Will Follow" by Jars of Clay.  In the past when I have sang the chorus, "Where you lead us we will follow", I have always thought of the great missions that God may want me to follow him in.  But yesterday, as I was singing those words a very vivid, unexpected memory popped into my head.

The memory was from the day that I spent with my sponsored children in Peru at a child's amusement park.  My sponsored children are 7-year old Elias and 5-year old Xiomara.  We were enjoying the rides at this little amusement park, that were similar to county fair rides.  They had a 'House of Horrors'.  Elias wanted to go into the house really bad.  I was a little skeptical, but I thought, "This park is for children, so it surely won't be that scary." Well, I forgot that we weren't in America anymore!  About 5 feet into the house, I realized that I had made a terrible mistake!  This house was filled with things that even scared me! 

But there was only one problem - the only way out was through - and in a single file line. 

So I have Xiomara in front of me and Elias behind me, holding each of their hands.  The translator is behind Elias holding his hand.  As soon as the scary stuff started, Xiomara started screaming and crying and closed her eyes and planted her feet.  And she refused to move.  She couldn't understand my English and it was too loud for her to hear the translator's voice.  Elias, on the other hand, was wide-eyed and you could see that he was really scared, but when I would finally get Xiomara to take a few steps, he would willingly be lead by my hand.  I only wish that I could have communicated to Xiomara that it was for her best to trust me to keep moving.  It would have been so much easier on her in the end.

I think there is a reason that this memory popped into my head.  When God wants to lead me into a new adventure I am all for it and singing, "Where you lead me I will follow." But when he wants to lead me through hardship and heartache, I want to close my eyes and plant my feet, scream and cry.  I don't want to take God's hand and trust him to lead me through the scariest parts. I was trying to tell Xiomara what was best for her, but she couldn't understand the language I was speaking and she couldn't hear the translation from all of the scary noise around her.  In the same way, I can't seem to hear God's voice or understand why it is best for me to walk through the scary parts, but it would be so much easier for me if I would just hold his hand and trust him, even when I can't hear or understand.

It is hard to think about all of the scary patches ahead in my life, but I know that there is only one way through it.

"Hope Lives" Community Read-Through

The "Hope Lives" read-through begins today.  The read-through begins with an introduction from the author herself. 

Even if you haven't purchased the book, you may still enjoy to check out the read-through blog posts at Compassion Family.

How is it between us?

There is a quote I read several times that is credited to Mother Teresa.  There are several different variations of it and it is said that, even though it was written on Mother Teresa's bedroom wall, it originally came from another source.  Regardless, I enjoy it and I am encouraged to continue "to run with perseverance the race marked out for me" every time I read it.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

  

I get so distracted by life - by all the things I am trying to accomplish or succeed in - that I so often forget that I need to remember that I am forgetting God and that it is all about God anyway.

There is a song by Sara Groves that I have been singing to myself a lot lately.  I think the words need no commentary.

How is it between us? by Sara Groves

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the wrong side of the room, the wrong side of the world. 

Can't put my finger on the mood.

It's not melancholy, anger or the blues. 

I love my husband, my house, my job. 

Couldn't be any better, and really what else is there? 

Then I realize I'm forgetting God, and that's the root of all my misery. 

Lord, first of all, how is it between you and me?

Chorus: 

How is it between us? How is it between us? 

When did I talk to you last, and what has happened since? 

How is it between us? How is it between us? 

When did I talk to you last, and what has happened since? 

When I wake up I am on my way, reinventing the wheel and saving the day. 

I have learned this lesson a thousand times, I am the branch, and you are the vine. 

Apart from you we are mice and men, with our fancy dreams of grandeur and no way to get there.

Oh I can think about you now and then, or I can make a mark on eternity.

Lord first of all, how is it, between you and me? . 

Chorus

So let the wicked prosper, 

let the oceans roar,

let the mountains crumble & fall into the sea. 

There's something more important weighing on my mind. 

Lord first of all, how is it between you and me?

Chorus

No cable=Focus

We bought a t.v. last Friday to replace our old one and our cable input is now gone (it took them a few days to come out after canceling it).  I have to admit, when we got the new t.v. in and everything came in all crisp and shiny, it made me reconsider our decision to disconnect.

Surprisingly, Elias - the one who is the most drawn to the television - has seemed almost like he's glad not to have the option to watch it as much.  He has discovered that choosing what he wants to watch and do is more enjoyable than being sucked into mindlessly watching whatever comes on next.  And, when he is watching something on Netflix, he likes that he can pause whatever he's watching at any time.  He seems less agitated when it is homework time, too, because he's not trying to get finished so he can get to the television.

I haven't missed cable much, but didn't really expect that I would. Several times I've thought about watching something on Netflix in the evenings after the kids go to bed or at lunch time when I would sometimes turn on the t.v. while I ate at the counter, but I often don't feel like it is worth looking for something.  This has made me think about the many times I have mindlessly turned the t.v. on and flipped through the channels until I find something that peaks my interest or at least is the best from what I have to choose from.  I know that if it wasn't so convenient, I would never watch half the things I would end up watching.  - Like "What Not To Wear" or "Mystery Diagnosis" or many shows on Food Network or HGTV.

Do I really care that much about how a stranger changes their appearance?  Am I really going to cook the things on Food Network or go to the restaurants featured? Do I really care about whether a stranger buys, remodels, or sells a house?  The only exception to this is "Mystery Diagnosis" - I know that one day I am going to know someone who has something wrong with them and I will be able to diagnose them with a rare disorder or syndrome because I watched this show - just wait and see and hope you aren't that unlucky person who I have to break the news to!  There isn't anything wrong with these shows or watching cable, it just isn't a necessary part of my life right now.

But if I want to watch a show on Food Network, I can now go onto their website and choose to watch it when I want to watch it - without commercials - and I don't have to flip past a celebrity or political scandal, scantily-clad women, or a sensationalized reality show to get to what I want to watch.  Since my word for this year is "Focus",I think getting rid of cable will be a great way for me to focus my entertainment choices and the kids exposure to entertainment as well.

More gifts....

I am becoming addicted to looking for "gifts".  Ann Voskamp's gifts are so simple and subtle and often not dependent on circumstance, but just about being a living, breathing human on earth - like enjoying how the sun hits bubbles in a sink and sends rainbows of light through them. She doesn't qualify them by explaining why they make her feel alive or grateful, she just lists them.

I have felt like my heart is being opened to those things I would have left ignored, so today, I am going to attempt to list some more Ann Voskamp style...

54. A clean, clutter-free counter
55. Red painted toenails
56. "Letting it all out"
57. A simple band that rings my finger
58. The wall pecking in the sun, telling me it is morning again
59. Thursday
60. Reading the Bible from a leather-bound book, not on a screen
61. No T.V. still
62. Bread and Butter

One Thousand Gifts

I just finished reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

I am not sure reading would be the right word.  Maybe "wrestled with" would serve as a better description. 

Since Ann is an  notable blogger and also a Compassion advocate who went to Guatemala and blogged about her trip, I was familiar with her writing.  I knew that she wrote like a poet and captured bits of life as if in a microscope.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to read the words effortlessly at face value, but I would need to mine the lines for the truths hidden within.

What I wasn't prepared for was the rawness I felt by being exposed to my continual ungratefulness of life and the thought that I must learn to give thanks in all things, even the "ugly beautiful", as she calls it.  The grit of facing life open-handed and not clenched-fisted.

There were many times while reading it, I wanted to stop - even thought for sure I would - but I kept getting drawn back in, unable to stop because I knew that this was a lesson I needed to learn. 

She writes as if you are hearing her thoughts as she moves through life.  She says something profound and then slices bread or puts a load of laundry in the washer, and she tells you so.  I felt like I was living along with her for a few weeks of her life and I could relate to the life and to the struggles and to the questions. 

She unapologetically looks for the beauty in life.  At times I wanted to fault her for thinking too deeply or being too eccentric, but then I found that when she referred to the beauty around her, it made my eyes see beauty around me anew. 

Even now, I feel like I am thinking and writing poetically for some unknown reason I can't even define!

I got this book from the library, but I wish I had my own copy.  There were about 100 lines I wanted to underline and remember and reference later.  So many times one sentence captured the entire idea of what she was saying, what I needed to remember, so well.

(As a side note, I love our local library!  I called to see if they had it and they didn't.  But without my even asking, they said, "We will order it and call you when it comes in."  So, if you are local and you'd like to read it, feel free to get the copy from the library that I am returning today. You can tell them Jennifer sent you! - Actually, they would probably just look at you oddly and wonder who in the world Jennifer was, so you probably should just nix that idea.)

I have started my own list of gifts.  Not sure if I will be diligent enough to get to 1000, but it causes me to think about what I can find to be thankful for when my world around me seems to be chaos.

1. The way my bed seems like it saves a place just for me every night.
2. The way Josh grinned at me when he woke me up this morning, like he thinks I am adorable when I am sleeping and hates to break my peace.
3. The way I fit so well in my husband's arms.
4. The growl of my belly - knowing that I am truly hungry and that I have not filled a void with food that should be God's space.
5. A kitchen full of food to enjoy without guilt or angst.
6. Lessons relearned and grace for mistakes.
7. A phone call reminding me that God answers prayers.
8. Seeing my own smile when I look at Bella's face.
9. Knowing I can read the depths of Elias' heart and mind by looking into his eyes.
10. The hum of quietness.
11. Light reflecting off of books that are reflecting light into my heart.
12. Two feet that work the way two feet were originally designed to.
13. My dirty house that equals a full life.
14. Friends that make me smile.
15. The joy of good natured banter.
16. The familiarity of home.
17. The comfort of routine.
18. The thousand processes it takes this moment for my body simply to stay alive.
19. A daughter and son who need love and guidance - something I had fervently prayed for and now have.
20. The satisfaction of checking off my "to do" list
21. The first awareness of another day beginning.
22. Kids chattering to their daddy, as he spends the first precious minutes of morning with them.
23. Growing bodies making once loved clothes become hand-me-downs for others to love.
24. My dear husband taking an extra minute in the hustle to get out the door to come back to kiss me goodbye and to look me in the eye and say, "I love you".
26. The hum of the heat and the whirl of the washer, reminding me that my kids will be sleeping in warm, clean beds tonight.
27.The way good memories always outweigh the bad in my mind.
28. Libraries ready offer words to inform and entertain, no matter who is seeking them.
29. Lungs that breath the fullest of breaths.
30. Another day of health for our family.
31. A broken television that has given our family a respite from the outside world invading.
32. A broken television that served as the catalyst to cancel our cable, something we had thought of doing for a long time, but never did.
33. Snow falling outside my window as my tea kettle whistles.
34. My husband saying "Good morning beautiful", even though I woke him up at 5:30 a.m. when I couldn't sleep.
35. Late night talks with the man who knows all my hopes and dreams.
36. Laughing until we cry reminding us that we still like each other more than anyone else in the world.
37. Books that propel me to not be complacent.
38. The kids' personality traits that remind us so much of ourselves.
39. Little hands and little minds.
40. Elias' inability to stay mad at me for long.
41. Bella's songs she sings that are a mixture of all her thoughts and tunes that are familiar.
42. God helping us to make decisions we'd rather leave unmade.
43. Remembrance of all the tangled times in my life that are now smoothed out, giving me hope that my current tangles can be smoothed as well.
44. Old hymns that pop into my mind without warning, reminding me of spiritual truths.
45. The ache in my foot reminding me that the broken was healed and that the break bears the memory still.
46. The older couple I chatted with while leaving the store that reminds me not to overlook those around me who may not be seeking attention.
47. The friend from a former church who, when I met in the grocery aisle, told me her husband's cancer had returned. This reminded me to pray not only for her and him, but for all those who are facing life and death this day and to celebrate with people whenever possible.
48. Being allowed to be a familiar face at my kids' school.
49. The feel of a fluffy sweater and a scarf on a cold day.
50. An email from an old friend that closes the gap between many miles.
51. The internet that gives us access to so much of the world.
52. The way working with Compassion continually teaches me to have compassion for everyone, not just the kids who attend the programs.
53. Seeing my great-grandmother's little blue vase on the dresser and remembering the thin-skinned hands that began handing things like this to me in the months before she was welcomed into heaven.



I only had 32 written in my journal over the last 4 days.  As I was typing, I thought of several more. Getting to 1000 may not be that hard after all. 

What are your gifts today?  Can you dare to count them?

Hope Lives

At the end of this month, I am participating again in another community read-through of a book with Jill on her Compassion Family blog.  This time we are going to be working through a devotional book called "Hope Lives".  I worked through this devotional several years ago when it first came out and got so much from it.  The sections are very short and easy to read, the questions are thought-provoking with adequate space given in the book to write responses, and the text is broken up with pictures, Bible verses, illustrations, and interesting quotes (that make reading it easier for those who are not big readers in general).  There is curriculum available for children, youth, adult small groups, and even churches to work through this book together as well.  We did several sections from it with the youth at our church and I have personally referenced this devotional many times since my first exposure to it.

Check out Jill's introductory blog to see pictures of the book and information about how the read-through will work.  There is also links to order the book and Jill is giving away one free copy to one lucky person who leaves her a comment.