Believing the Best

In our small group, we just finished a series called "Staying in Love" by Andy Stanley.  I would highly recommend it.  You can actually watch the sermon series on-line on the North Point Community Church web site, because my explanation below won't fully do the series justice.  It is specifically geared toward the marriage relationship, but I think so much of it can be applied to all relationships. 

In the last of the 4 messages, Andy Stanley talks about the fact that in every relationship there will be a gap between expectations and behavior.  You expect someone to act a certain way, but they won't always behave in a way you would like or expect.

In those situations you have a choice of what you place in that gap.

You can "assume the worst" or "believe the best".

If you assume the worst, you have a negative attitude and assume the person is doing or not doing what you expect for selfish reasoning and you are not very concerned about what their motivation was, because you may assume the person doesn't really care about your feelings, anyway.  In fact, when they don't meet your expectations, it brings you satisfaction because it just proves your point. 

When you believe the best, you realize there may be other factors you don't see.  You genuinely want the best for the other person, even if they aren't meeting all your expectations.  You give them the benefit of the doubt.  Andy Stanley says this is something that couples do naturally when they first fall in love, but they stop doing it as time goes on - but that couples that truly stay in love continue to do.

But he says, if you believe the best in another, it draws that person to you.  They feel loved and accepted and not so afraid of disappointing you.  They know that they are safe with you, even if they don't meet all your expectations.  And, if the expectations are realistic, the person will actually start desiring to do those things that he/she knows you'd like for them to do or not to do.

He explained it this way - When you believe the best, you create an upward spiral toward love, but when you assume the worst you create a downward spiral toward more disappointment and separation. 

I realized that this is exactly what has been occurring in my relationships with my kids.

Over the last few days of re-training (of myself and the kids), I have realized that there is not that much variation between Elias and Bella in their behavior itself, but a distinct difference in the reactions to that behavior on both the kids' side and on my side. 

I think that I came to "believe the best" about Elias' gaps between his behavior and my expectations and he did the same with me.  But with Bella, I "assumed the worst" and she did the same back to me.

So I have been looking deeper into what motivates Bella's behavior and what motivates my reactions toward her.  I have taken more time, much more time, to calmly discuss things with her and to listen.  The key word is calmly.  I have respected her feelings more by taking the time to let her calm down before expecting her to talk about what is bothering her, instead of having the attitude that she needs to "just get over it".  And she has been seeing that I really am willing to hear her grievances, when she expresses them in the proper way.  I think she had come to the conclusion that I didn't care about her feelings, because I wouldn't listen until the situation got to fever-pitch.  So then, she would just initially address a situation at fever-pitch, since that is what she knew I would respond to anyway. 

Since changing my tactic, she and I have had such a more loving relationship.  It is almost unbelievable what a difference the last few days have made.  She and I are like two different people!  The behavior has changed slightly, but our reactions have changed immensely. 

But it is going to take constant upkeep.  It is so natural to drift into what is easier! 

For example, last night I wanted Bella to try on clothes that I had bought over the summer at yard sales to see what would fit now.  She was hyper and not wanting to participate and she began jumping up on her bed every time I tried putting a pair of pants on her. 

After several times of calmly telling her to stop, I began to feel my anger rising.  My voice took a different tone as she began to climb on the bed yet again.

Bella immediately looked at me with that glazed-over defiant look that I have become accustomed to seeing.  But in that look, I saw deep down that she was thinking, "Here comes mean mommy again and I am going to protect myself by being mean too."  So I took some deep breaths, and closed my eyes.  I then said in a calm voice, "Bella, I am starting to feel angry because you are disrespecting me by not listening.  I really don't want to be angry with you, so I would like you to listen to me now and put these pants on."  Almost miraculously, she got down and put the pants on and even hugged me after she got them on.  I am not saying she sat still for the rest of the fittings, but she listened to me and tried on the rest of the clothes.  I realized that my expectation of her trying on one pair after another without some minor tangents of energy expenditure were probably not realistic, so for the rest of the time, we took little "energy" breaks. And we ended the task both feeling positive, instead of positively frustrated.

I am seeing that I "assume the worst" in so many of my relationships with others and it really does no one any good.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I Corinthians 13:4-7