It seems life is never dull in the Wilson home. We have had a list of random things happen lately that makes me want me to get into bed with a book and act like it all doesn't matter. There has not been anything catastrophic (Thank the Lord!), but just things that make us realize that life will never be boring and that we will always be balancing time and money and duty and relationship - for the rest of our lives.
In an effort not to complain or whine, I will avoid describing them in detail, but I feel like we are trying to prove Murphy's Law!
Sometimes I wish we never owned a house or cars because of all the aggravation and money and time upkeep takes, but I try to remember that I am very fortunate to have a home and transportation.
Yesterday, I went to church and heard a great sermon about how the stuff that escapes the filter from our brains to our mouth comes from the overflow of our heart. Therefore, our hearts need to be filled with things that we don't mind coming out into the open.
When I came home, I realized that I had been locked out of my house. As I looked into my back doors at the house that was in much need of attention before company arrived last night and my mind began ticking off all the things I had planned for the day, I think my filter must have sprung loose from my body.
When I called Josh to politely inform him of my predicament, the neighbors must have wondered at my sanity. In my own defense, this incident felt like the straw that broke the camel's back in a long list of things that has been happening, but still saying that I lost my temper is a bit of an understatement. So as I drove to the mall - since I had 3 hours to kill and it was 9 thousand degrees outside - I started thinking about why this event caused such an eruption in my life.
Simply it came down to the fact that I had allowed myself to believe that if I wouldn't have been locked out, I would have been able to gain a greater level of control and that I didn't deserve all the daily junk that has been happening. I want to have control and I just can't - which is the story of my life. In fact, the older I get, the more variables of my life seem out of my control and it eats at me.
I couldn't sleep last night because we identified a significant problem with our house just before bed that is probably going to cost a lot of money and a lot more time and aggravation and all I could think was, "Not another thing!" I just wanted to run out of my house and never return again. So I eventually got up and read my Bible while the sun was rising (something I do not normally do) and I felt such peace and felt ready to tackle my day.
As I opened the door to go downstairs to assess the damages and work to be done, panic seized me again and I had that desire to just escape again. Then I realized that this is the reason that I lose my temper and rant and rave when I am really upset. It helps me to escape thinking about what I am going to do or need to do and lets me feel like I have control by listing all the ways it could have, should have, would have been different.
I made a decision two weeks ago to stop my daily use of Facebook and to concentrate more on God and my family. I feel like since then, everything else around me has been working double time to distract me. I feel it is Spiritual warfare. It may be just random circumstance, but I definitely feel under attack, either way.
I have to admit, when I first heard Francesca Battistelli's song, "This is the Stuff", I didn't really like it and I thought it was a little trite or shallow, but I have definitely been identifying with it the last two weeks. It doesn't have deep theology, but it really does speak some truth!
Readers, I ask that if you are praying people, please pray for my dear husband. He is a good, patient man and he has married an impatient, anxious woman. And pray that our house does not continue to revolt against us!
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