Have a little talk with Jesus

Many people would be surprised at how quiet I am at home.  I really am.  When I am out with people, sometimes I feel a little like Jacob Marley on that old version of "The Christmas Carol" where he has to tie a cloth around his head to keep his jaw from flapping open.  That is me when I am with people.  I actually don't want to talk as much as I do and I often regret it when I leave, but I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut.  I have tried counting.  I have tried to recite the Bible verses about this topic to myself.  I have read books about it. I have tried to be an active listener. Yet, still, my mouth remains always ready for words to spill forth.  It started early in my life.  My first grade teacher told my parents, "Jennifer is a delightful child, but how do you get her to be quiet?" I have often been embarrassed and frustrated over my inability to shut my mouth in public and it will be something I constantly have to work on.
But at home, I like quiet and I need quiet.  I rarely turn on the television or music when I am home. I am a closet "home-body" and have to be home to recharge.  I enjoy traveling occasionally, but I would much rather sleep in my own bed, in my own surroundings. I had a friend in high school who always wanted us to stay at each other's houses for several days in a row and I would look forward to her mom finally saying that I couldn't stay or she couldn't stay with me any longer.
But I have realized lately that my quiet is so clouded by worry and anxiety, that I have no real quiet.  I find myself looking for ways to escape my own thoughts, but they catch up to me all the time.  As I mentioned before, I ruminate on thoughts often.  If it isn't my own shortcomings or concerns for my family, it is someone else's heartaches or the church or our society or something.  I let the devil give me a ticker tape of all the things that I should have, would have, could have done.  I think that if I don't save the day for this or that person their lives may never be the same and it will be my fault that I didn't do more for them.  And at the end of the day, I go to bed too late, with my heart too heavy, and my mind too full.  I know this isn't going to help me or anyone else.  I know because I have seen it slowly eat away my mother over the course of my life.  I am determined that it will not destroy me in the same way.  I know the answer is to cast all my anxieties on the Lord.  You would think after all these years that would be easy to do, to understand - it used to be easier.  But as my intellect and abilities increased through the years and as my understanding of the magnitude of hurt and sin in the world has increased, my ability to trust and depend on God has become less.

Why are the simplest lessons the hardest to learn? I need to work on talking with Jesus more and ruminating less.

This is a song I remember singing when I would go to church occasionally as a child.  I know that it is an old-fashioned, but sometimes these songs just make me smile and make my heart feel a little lighter.

Have A Little Talk With Jesus

Chorus
Now let us have a little talk with Jesus
And we'll tell him all our troubles
He will hear our faintest cry
and He will answer by and by
Now when you feel a little prayer wheel turning
Lord you know a little fire is burning
You know a little talk with Jesus makes it right.

Verse 1
I once was lost in sin but Jesus took me in
And then a light from Heaven filled my soul
It filled my heart with love and wrote my name above
And just a little talk with Jesus makes me whole
(chorus)

Verse 2
I may have doubts and fears, my eyes may fill with tears
But Jesus is a friend who watches day and night
I go to him in prayer, He knows my every care
and just a little talk with Jesus makes it right.