Margin

Our life revolves around the counter in our kitchen. Not only do we spend a majority of our time sitting or standing around it, it collects everything!  We only eat meals around the counter when we are in a hurry or not all of us are planning to eat, because it becomes pretty crowded and is uncomfortable.  We have a dining room table and we have been asked many, many times if we actually use it and the answer is YES! Almost every evening for dinner and for lunches and breakfasts when Josh is home.

Recently, I've been working on striping the wallpaper off our kitchen walls.  As part of that process, Josh took off all the baseboards and trim.  For over a week some of them laid across our dining room table, making it unusable, and we just had no time to bang the nails out of each one, so that we could lay them down on the floor.  So we had been crowding around the counter to eat every meal.

One evening recently all 4 of us were gathered around the counter to eat.  The counter was already full of mail, the contents of the kids backpacks from that day, the makings of a book report, and more.  As I tried to push the stuff to the back edge of the counter to make room for our plates, things began tumbling off the backside of the counter.

We always tend to be busy and our lives full, but these last two months our lives have been bulging.  Our counter overflowing was a snapshot of our lives at that moment.

A while back, there was a message preached about margin at our church.  Margin, like the white space around a page that prevents you from running off the edge.  The point of the message is that you have to leave margin - physical and emotional margin - in your life. In that margin, you can listen to God and your relationships with others can flourish.

Having no margin effects every area of my life.  It effects my relationships with God and others, but it also effects my own ability to think and react appropriately.  Add to this the fact that lack of margin also nicks away at the amount of sleep I get and it becomes an even dicier situation.

We have had bad sleeping habits for a long time now.  We go to bed too late for the early hour we have to arise.  When I have no margin in my life, I often don't sleep well even in those few short hours that I allow myself the privilege to lay in bed.  And when I have little margin in my life - no "white space" in my time - my mind and body decide to make it for me.  So often I wake up at 5:30 a.m. and can't go back to sleep.  It is like I have to have that think time and if I don't take it, my mind and body demand it.  (Though later in the day, it usually catches up with me!). 

We are coming to the end of a few things that will provide more white space, but there will always be something that I want to fill in the margins with - good stuff, but a little more than I need.

I have no enlightening thing to say about this.  No new discovery of how I am going to guard our margin.  I just know that we have to clear that space and manage it to keep it clear. 

This week, we have pretty much nothing on our schedule, basically the first one since school started, and I have already felt the relief of a little space. I have plenty of things I need to get done (like the walls mentioned previously), but I don't have any appointments or extra things scheduled and Josh has nothing extra scheduled, either. I have already been asked to put 2 good things into that space.  It is so tempting to look at my calender and think that I have the space because the days on my calendar are blank.  But then when I add those good things, all the things that don't get written down, (like laundry, dishes, Bible study, thinking time, communication with Josh and the kids) are pushed into the margin.  They don't just disappear, but they get regulated to the edges.  Then when I am bulging again, they fall off the edge, just like the stuff on my counter.

Today we have an unexpected snow day and it has created some extra "white space" (pun intended). I think I may go and put some Christmas music on and cook a hot meal and enjoy the down time that the weather has created and thank God for the electricity that so many are without right now!

Compassion bloggers trip to Peru

Remember how I told you that I am doing a study called "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst?  I just found out from Shaun Groves blog that Lysa will be traveling with him to Peru, along with her 13 year old daughter Brooke, on a Compassion blogger trip.
 
They will be going on November 13 and you could follow the bloggers here.

Also on joining Shaun and Lysa on the trip is Angie Smith.  She is the wife of the lead singer of Selah and she became an author and a well-known speaker, after tragedy struck their life.

I really look forward to reading about their trip.  It would be great to have others join me!

One Thousand Gifts

Way back in February I wrote this post about a book called "One Thousand Gifts" that I had just finished.

Just recently on her blog, she announced that there is now a Bible study with DVD to go along with the book.  I am interested in it personally and I thought some of you may be as well.

If you want to check out the first lesson, she has posted it here on her blog.

Not just a pretty face

I have loved looking at our family pictures. I will admit it - I have scrolled through and looked at each one of them more than a dozen times (maybe more than 2 dozen!).  I love seeing the beautiful smiles and laughing eyes of my kids.  Love to see their little arms around each other and their little hands resting in ours. I feel blessed when I see their expressions that seem like a mirror of ours and know that it is all such a gift. 

But behind those pretty faces, it is not always peace, love, and joy in the Wilson home.  Oh, how I wish it was.  I wish these pictures were our every minute.  But they aren't.  There were many times during the picture session that one of the kids was having a meltdown.  I told Kara, the photographer, that those pictures were definitely a part of our reality right now.

Parenting can be so tough.  Just when you get one obstacle tackled, another one pops up, or the one you thought you tackled pops back up.

As you know, I have been participating in this "Unglued" study.  It has really been helping me, but there are still so many challenges.  When I began the study, I quickly began to control my outbursts of frustration and anger (actions), then around week 3, I realized that I needed really to work harder on my attitude and thoughts (my heart).  I have seen minor changes in my relationships with the kids. I can separate their bad behavior more from who they are. I have realized that every discipline problem isn't the end of the world. They can trust me more because I am not as volatile. I have been carrying out consequences more quickly, instead of letting a situation escalate. But the changes are so slow and minor that I want to see quicker results.

The problem is that my kids don't seem to want to get with the unglued program!  Then this morning as I was dealing with yet another unglued situation with my daughter, while trying to remain loving and kind, yet steadfast in the discipline that I had set, I realized that she has not read the book!

You are probably thinking, "Well, duh - she is like 6 or something, right?" But it really was an epiphany for me.  I read all of these books and learn all these ideas and techniques and expect my family to "get with the program".  But that isn't going to happen.  I have to set an example in word and deed.  I can't reason them into wanting to do it.  They have to see by my example that it is really the easiest and best way. 

But that takes the word I fear I am the worst at - consistency.  For being an A-type, structured person, I can be the most inconsistent in terms of emotion and action - especially when it comes to discipline. I get busy, stressed, discouraged, or just plain lazy.

I was reading someone's blog recently where she wrote about an issue that took almost 18 years to resolve with her daughter.  I thought to myself, "I don't think I could ever deal with the same issue for that many years.  I would just throw up my hands and say, 'Fine then, have it your way and see if I care.'" But the scary thing is that I may have to do just that.  If I want my kids to be rescued from what Satan wants to do to them, I have to be willing to battle long and hard...just the thought of that makes me tired.

I ask you to pray for me and my kids - for consistency and for joy in the midst of chaos.  I will pray for you, if you ask.  I have had the privilege to have many women in my life who have asked how they could help or lent an ear to my frustrations or given advice.  I have appreciated each and every one and it has helped little by little.

So, now I am off to go catch onto the tail of the whirlwind that is going to be my day today...and maybe stop to look through my family pictures just one more time!

Fall Family Pictures

We got our picture taken by a friend from our church.  They came out so well and I love all of them.  I can't pick my favorites. I think the coordinating outfits really improved the overall appearance of the pictures, so I am glad that I made that decision. This isn't all of them, but it is many of them.  It was hard to choose which ones to leave out!

Unglued Book Review

I mentioned in my last blog post that I have been doing a Bible study based on the book "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst. Since this book has had a significant impact on me, and I really wasn't sure it would before beginning it, I have decided to do a quick book review.

Whether you are a person who explodes or stuffs their emotions, this book can be really beneficial.  I have learned many tidbits of information that has really helped me to rethink my reactions and emotions. I have realized that things I have just assumed were normal or "just the way I am", doesn't have to be.  I think that it gives really practical advice to help you in the midst of chaotic moments.

Some of my favorite ideas or quotes from the book are:
1. Emotions aren't dictators, they are indicators.
2. Do I want to prove or improve?  Do I want to prove my point or improve my relationship with the other person? Tackle the issue, not the person.
3. "I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but I can control how I think about them...I can face things that are out of control and not act out of control."
4. Labels that we give ourselves or others keep us imprisoned in a rut and all of our interactions are tainted by the labels we have already placed.  And we react to people based on how we think they are think or feeling about us, even if they have never said the things we have thought they are thinking.  We always have to be attempting to separate the truth from the lies.
5. There are 4 types of unglued reactions: Exploders who shame themselves; Exploders who blame others; Stuffers who build barriers; Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks.  I have found that I am all these in different relationships in my life.  Sometimes I can be more than one within the same relationship.
6.  We need to strive for soul integrity: "Soul integrity is honesty that's godly.  It brings the passion of the exploder and the peacemaking of the stuffer under the authority of Jesus where honesty and godliness embrace and balance each other."
7. When you want to explode, think about how that explosion will impact the relationship.  As Lysa says, "Sip the shame so you won't have to guzzle the regret."
8. In God's economy, people don't stand on opposing sides of the conflict scale.  People stand on one side and Satan stands on the other.  When we dump hurt into one another's lives, we aren't leveling the conflict scale.  We are just weighing down the people side of the scale and elevating the Satan side of the scale. Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other."
9. "I have to remember that giving honor (to someone I am in conflict with) reveals more about my character than the character of the other person."
10. "...remember there is a big difference between a reaction and a reply...Choosing a gentle reply doesn't mean you are weak; it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength."
11. In 2 Chronicles 20:3 it says, "Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah." Just like Jehoshaphat, when I feel alarmed by a situation, I can resolve to inquire of the Lord.
12. A Biblical procedure manual for alarming situations is: 1) Remember who you are. 2) Redirect your focus on Jesus 3) Recognize God's job isn't your job 4) Recite thanks and praise to God 5) Realize reactions determine reach
13. "Remember comfort zones don't have to be comfortable-they just have to be familiar.  It's where you feel you belong. And where you come to believe you belong is where you'll stay."
14. "Because sometimes I find myself talking about God so much He becomes more of an identity marker than an identity changer. Having God as an identity marker reduces Him to nothing more than a label, a lingo, and a lifestyle...But having God as an identity changer is much, much more."
15. "The ugly truth is comparison steals celebration...We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating other's good." and "'I'm not equipped to handle what she has, both good and bad - and what she has is always a package deal of both.' In other words, I've been assigned a load I can handle."
16. "We get into trouble when, instead of parking our minds on truth, we let them idle in perception." and "These were idle thoughts allowed to run rampant in my mind for so long I confused them with truth."

I know this is a hodgepodge of different thoughts and ideas, but they are the things I have remembered the most and would like to retain.

I would encourage you to pick up the book and/or the Bible study and DVD.  You could even host a Bible study of your own!  All you need is a couple women and a DVD player! 

More random thoughts

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. feeling like I want to start my day, even though it was only about 5 hours since I laid down in bed.  I know that I am going to regret this early rising when the kids are running around the house.  As usual, I have had many times I've wanted to sit and share a story or two here, but I think, "After I return from doing this," or "When I get this laundry finished".  Of course, those things are never done.

When I write in my personal journal, my thoughts are often written in a string of unrelated thoughts.  I find this least stressful and more easily clears my mind of the clutter that too many thoughts create.

So I have again decided to share my thoughts as bullets, so that I can remember what I was thinking and experiencing back in the fall 2012

• I am sick of my home telephone ringing.  It is a political call about 90% of the time and a call to sub another 5%.  If it is a personal call - a friend wanting to chat, etc. - my cell phone rings. So I am beginning to dread hearing my home phone ring. 
• I think that the trees this fall are the most vibrant I have ever seen them.  I wish I had a camera that could take pictures that showed how glorious this fall is.
• I have realized that I barely ever take pictures of our family. I also can't remember the last time we had our video camera out.  
• I can't believe that it has just been a year since I broke my foot and that this time last year I was hobbling around in that big, black brace.  Sometimes I look down at my two walking feet and I remember what it was like when I didn't have that luxury.  
• I have recently had this desire to go shopping (which is not a common urge for me).  I credit it to just being too busy and having the need to get out and do something leisurely, not necessarily to spend money.
• I think that anyone who is considering wallpapering their home should help someone who has existing wallpaper in their home to remove it.  Unless, you are willing to live with that wall paper the rest of your life, just don't put it up - that is my suggestion.  I have put more than 40 hours scrapping wall paper off of my kitchen walls.  It has looked awful since the week we started small group in early September.  The fruit wall paper we have hated since the first time we saw it is now finally gone, 5 years later, but it is still making its ugly mark in our lives! I have just discovered that a steamer works wonderfully, but I had already done the majority of the walls before figuring that out - and it is still tiring and messy, just not as hard on the arms or the walls!
• I can't believe it has been 5 years since we have lived in our current house!  That is longer than we have lived at any one place since we got married.  Coming in second is our last house which we lived in for 4 1/2 years. 
• Bella is not loving school this year, even though she still loves playing teacher.  
• Elias loves his teacher and is enjoying school this year more than last, but he sometimes is a little too social and gets in trouble for that.
• Elias decided he didn't want to play soccer this season, so we tried swim.  Bella, against my persuasion otherwise, decided she wanted to try swimming instead of dance. I told them that if we did swim, they would have to go for the 3 month season - I reiterated it several times. Both kids have hated swim.  I hate taking them.  I know that I have to prove a point about staying committed and all that, but I really would love to quit!  We are committed until December 1st.  I keep just thinking, "Just a few more weeks!" Around the end of September, I toyed with the idea of letting them quit at the end of October, but now that the end is a little closer in sight, I have decided to just plow through.  I didn't realize how many times parents have to be miserable to teach their kids a lesson!
• Elias has already grown out of one of the pair of pants I bought him for school - 2 months ago!  They barely had the stiffness worn out of them!
• We are going to the Catalyst Conference in November.  I am really excited, but I feel a little like a stow away!  Since neither Josh or I are currently in an official church leadership position, it feels a little presumptuous to go to a church leadership conference. But I am really looking forward to hearing Andy Stanley in person, since I have done so many of his studies and listened to so many podcasts.  My dad used to listen to his father, Charles Stanley, on tv all the time when I was growing up, so I feel like the Stanleys have had a pretty big impact on my faith.
• It surprises me every time I look at our accounts to see how much more we spend on monthly bills and necessities than we did when we moved into this house 5 years ago.  It frustrates me when I see how much more easily we pay out for non-necessities than we did 5 years ago.  Since Josh and I came from really poor families, that sense of "getting what you want when you want it" wasn't instilled in us.  We fear that our children are getting a "rich kid" mentality.  It isn't that we are spending big bucks on frivolous things and racking up debt, it is just the nickel and dime things that we could probably be live without that really add up in the end and take a chunk out of what we could be saving or investing, etc..
• With that being said, I just bought a new fall flag, a welcome mat, a fall scented candle, and fall scented hand soap and it makes me get a little smile and feel all warm and cozy.  I know I don't need these things, but it sure does make me happy! 
• Also, we are getting family pictures taken tomorrow.  The kind where the photographer just sort of follows you around in an outdoor space and snaps pictures of you and your family being a family.  We have gotten this type done a few times in the past and have loved the result.  But the last time we did it, I just threw clothes together at the last minute and wasn't too thrilled about how we looked in the pictures (even though the pictures themselves were good).  So this time, I splurged a little and bought us coordinating tops.  I tried to be as practical as possible by buying tops I knew we'd use again, but you can't shop from the bargain bins as easily when you need 4 people to match!  I did find Bella a cute little jacket on clearance for $10, so I didn't break the bank for her, but I spent way more than I normally would have for a button up shirt and jacket for Elias. And Josh already had a top that would match, so I saved money with him.
• I made chicken and dumplings for the first time this (cold weather) season.  There is nothing that makes me feel more like a happy housewife than making chicken and dumplings! Now to figure out what to do with the rest of the celery...I really think they should sell it by individual stalks, since I usually only use one or two and then let the rest wither in the fridge until I decide that it might as well be tossed.
• I have been subbing about 2 days a week.  I have been doing much better at saying no when I just don't want to work and not feeling guilty about it.  I don't think I want to sub forever, but it works for now.
• I went to Goodwill recently and stocked up on some really nice work clothes for about 20-30 bucks - really nice name brand stuff.  After I wore one of the shirts that was extremely comfortable, I mentioned to Josh that it sort of felt and looked a little like a maternity top I had when I was pregnant with the kids.  After taking it off, I looked at the tag and I realized it was a maternity top!  I think I still may wear it.  It isn't big and billowy, so it doesn't scream out that it is maternity...and it is just so darn comfortable.
• We have not bought the kids costumes for Halloween yet. Elias wants to be something scary - a zombie, mummy, skeleton, etc.. We've told him that isn't happening.  I am not looking forward to costume shopping, especially since I hate spending $20-30 on a cheaply made costume that they'll wear only a few times.  My kids in the past have gotten an entire year's play out of their costumes, but the older they get, the less they play dress up.  Bella still does it quite often, but it is much more rare for Elias.  
• We are in a really good place with our extended families.  We have been better about calling just to talk on both sides and there has been less emotional angst than I can remember for a long time.  It makes me want to visit more, unfortunately, we are most often too busy for that to happen.  
• My kids are practicing for their school's Christmas performance already, so they have been coming home in the afternoons after school and singing Christmas carols.  It seems so weird, when they are still playing outside most afternoons when they get home, sometimes even in shorts.
• Josh's soccer season is almost over.  He has been coaching and assistant coaching 2 teams this season.  The team he coaches has only lost 2 games.  I am really proud of his dedication to the kids and his coaching skills. I have not always been thrilled with the time away from us, but it has been good to see him doing something he loves and being a good example for the kids.
• In the last year, I have really began enjoying jazz music.  It all started when I began listening to Michael Buble's Christmas Pandora station last Christmas. I knew I loved that genre of music at Christmas time, but now I enjoy it all the time.  It just makes me feel relaxed and some of the songs are so romantic or even quirky.  I don't like every song, but thanks to Pandora, I just give it a thumbs down and never have to hear it again! And I give the thumbs down less often on my jazz station than I do any other station. 
• With that being said, I just worked at a Compassion sign-up table at a "Denver and the Mile High Orchestra" concert in Morgantown.  I think I enjoyed the music more than I have any other concert I have worked. Something about jazz that I appreciate is that you don't have to know all the words to appreciate the music.  And there were 8 kids sponsored in a crowd of less than 200 people, which always makes me happy. The band members themselves came down to hand out the child packets to the audience.  I never knew that they had been on a nationally-televised musical competition show, until after I saw them in Morgantown.
• I am currently involved in 2 Bible studies, so I feel like I am always thinking about doing my homework!  One study I am doing is called "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions".  It has been so beneficial to me.  I am now thinking through my feelings a little more before they get to the "unglued" stage.  I am not saying that I never become unglued anymore, but I definitely think more about what contributes to them and it helps it to happen a little less - imperfect progress, as the author calls it!

Well, the kids are up now, so my random thoughts must come to a halt.  I think my kids believe it is a sin to sleep past 7.  I guess they take those Bible verses about sloth seriously!  (I guess that was one more random thought I added!)