Speak no evil

Have you ever really wanted to just tell someone exactly what you were thinking, knowing that in the sort-term it would hurt them like crazy or make them really angry, but in the long run they would be way better off for it?  I have had too many of these situations lately and I would like them to stop now!  I feel like there are so many dicey circumstances that I am dealing with simultaneously. Sometimes I just wish I were a character in a movie in a scene where they blurt everything they are thinking and feeling at once and it all works out for them in the end.  You know the ones I mean.  Why can't this work in real life?  I will tell you why - because our lives don't fit conveniently into a 2-hour dramatic package.  And the reason we all love these scenes is because this is what we dream of doing and are too afraid to deal with the repercussions.  Now, sometimes we have to check the motivation that drives us to tell someone what is on our minds.  Most of the time when I am trying to weigh my actions or my motivations, I look to the fruit of the Spirit - "Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Humbleness, and Self-Control.  Sure, we would love to tell our grandmother that she already explained her gallbladder surgery in graphic detail 2 times and we didn't really need to hear about it the first time, but would that be displaying the fruits of the Spirit?  On the other hand, there are times when things really need to be said, and if they aren't said it could deteriorate a relationship further or a person could be caught in a bad situation or something similar.  In those situations, sometimes I pray for God to release me and let someone else do the talking, for someone else to "open that wound", so to speak.  But it doesn't always happen.  Just recently I dealt with a situation where I was asked for advice and after praying about it, I felt compelled by God to tell this person a truth that hurt and angered her.  I went from being called an angel to practically being told to stay of of her business within a couple days.  I truly felt that I had been kicked in the teeth.  I kept thinking, "Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut and not tell her the truth, even though she had asked for it?"  But even if I cover up a hurtful truth, it is still there.  It is like an infected wound.  Sure, I can put a band-aid on it, but it will just fester underneath the bandage even more.  I think it is interesting that in Romans 12:18 it does not simply say, "Live at peace with everyone." But it prefaces that statement with, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."  I think that statement proves to me that we won't always have our "Happily ever after" in every situation.  Sometimes it is just not possible, because it doesn't always depend on us and most of the time messy situations in real-life can't be solved in a 5-minute montage to tie up all the loose ends of the story.  Life is full of loose ends, but it is also full of happy endings that sometimes take years to figure out.  I find myself praying the "Prayer of Serenity" more and more as I get older.  I just looked it up on the internet, so I could post it here and made a fantastic discovery.  It has several more sentences that I never knew existed, but adds so much that it is unfortunate that it has fallen by the wayside, just because it won't fit nicely on a poster. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Love, love, love

I was driving by a restaurant today and I saw a very elderly couple walking into the building with arms around each other and pleasantly chatting to one another.  It brought a smile to my face to see them.  One thing I really appreciate about Josh and I being together since we were teenagers is that we share so many memories.  I feel like there was hardly a time when Josh wasn't part of my life.  I hope that Josh and I will be like that couple who are walking arm-in-arm and chatting intimately when we are old.  When people who decide that they want to leave their spouse just because they get bored or no longer feel "in love" anymore are missing out on the wealth a lifelong relationship brings through the years.  Sometimes people don't get the blessing of sharing their lifetime with the one they love.  I don't ever want to take the days I have been given with Josh for granted.

School Visits

I have volunteered to be a material aide to the kindergarten at Watson.  I go in for about an hour every Tuesday and do paperwork Elias' teacher needs help with, like running copies or tearing out and organizing class worksheets.  The best part of doing this is the smile I get from Elias every time I appear at his classroom door.  He gets so excited to see me at his school.  Even his classmates get excited and loudly whisper, "Hey, Elias, there's your mom."  It makes sacrificing the hour worth it.  Also, I am getting to know his teacher and others in the school and they are getting to know me.  I think helping at the school is one of the best parts of being a stay-at-home mom.  Bella does pretty well while I am working and the teachers always offer to let her play with toys and puzzles, etc.  I purposely go during the kindergarten lunch and recess, so she is not interrupting instruction time if she talks.  It has all worked out well.  I know that when Elias and Bella get older, they may not enjoy seeing me pop in at their school, so I am soaking it in while it lasts.
I am so proud of Elias and how I see his character being tried already in school situations and him responding well.  It is so tough to explain that not all kids want to do what is right and to be nice to one another.  He has such a soft, just heart and I pray that he will be able to keep it as the harsh realities of life start bombarding him.  His teacher told him he was one the quietest boys in class.  If you know Elias, you will probably agree that quiet is not a normal trait for him, but when he is in class he obeys the rules.  When I look at him growing and changing, I already see glimpses of the man he is becoming even today.  Every day my kids are learning what it is to be an adult.  I have to make sure I am the adult that I would want them to be and that I remember that God can work even through pain and trouble.  Again this reminds me of a Sara Groves song. 

From the Album Station Wagon

 Prayers for This Child

by Sara Groves

I do not know how I am to pray for this child
as a mother I don't want my baby denied
but in the waiting in the waiting
I learned

Every instinct in me wants to shield him from pain
take the arrows of misery heartache and blame
but in the sorrow in the sorrow
I learned to hold on

I only have two eyes - be all seeing
I only have two hands - be everywhere
I do not know enough - to be all knowing
I give this baby up into your care

I do not know how, how to pray for this child
I want to guard her from everything wicked and wild
but in the trial in the trial
I learned to hold on

And in the trial, in the trial
I learned to hold on to the heart of God

Sara Groves says it best...as usual

From the Album Station Wagon

 

I Can't Wait

by Sara Groves and Don Chaffer

When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes
Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that i have lost along the way
And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
How to say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
Oh you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important (essential) things
And all that i have lost along the way
And I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of love and dreams
And all the most essential thing
And all that I have lost along the way
Cause I can't wait

Have I forgotten so soon?

I watched a friend's little girl today, while she took her older daughter on a field trip.  Now this little girl is exactly on year younger than Bella and still in diapers.  She and Bella were playing well and I was in the middle of baking a snack for small group tonight and cleaning up the kitchen.  About an hour after lunch time, I realized that Mikayla had been at my house for about 3 hours and I had not even thought about checking her diaper.  She was soaked.  I have gotten so used to Bella going to the potty or telling me that she has to go, I forgot what it was like when she wasn't at that stage yet.  I looked at my tall, long-legged talkative girl and realized how much one year changes a child.  Bella is already too tall for many 4T pants and now I have to buy her size 4.  Gone are the days when my kids were squishy and round.  Now they are long and bony and too busy to be cuddled much.  I never thought I would forget distinct aspects of what having a baby in the house is really like, but already my mind has shifted to other developmental milestones and activities - things I knew would come and even looked forward to, but I never realized how much of the past would fall away.  I was putting clothes in Elias' dresser the other day and the shirts were so tight, I had to practically stuff them in.  I was reminded of when I put his baby clothes in there when he was first born and how tiny they were inside that big drawer.  And one day, I will probably be folding clothes for him that are bigger than my own.

Worry and Stress

This week, the study we are doing in our small group talked about how worry and stress are a sign of arrogance.  Worry says we don't trust God to handle what is going on in our lives and stress says that the things we are dealing with are exceptional and gives us a right to act sinfully against others and God.  This is an extremely summarized version and if you want to read the entire chapter, I highly recommend picking up a copy of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.
So this week, I have been trying to tone down my Type A personality and "go with the flow" more.  I have been working to handle my feelings of panic in the moment, not after I have had a few hours to work through them.  The other morning, I went downstairs to find puddles of water surrounding our furnace and water heater.  My initial thoughts were to call Josh down and rant and rave about how we couldn't afford another unexpected expense and the time that it would take to fix any problem found.  I was already reciting all of my complaining in my head.  But then I quickly made myself think it through realistically.  No matter what the problem was, it would be fixed in a few days, regardless of the expense, because we had to have heat in the house.  And if it was a necessity, God would provide if we were being good stewards of our finances.  I thought about all the times I had gotten worked up in the past and ruined my day and everyone's around me and it all worked out, without the help of my worry and stress. And, it could be something simple anyway and then I would feel really dumb making such a big deal about it....which is exactly what it turned out to be.  One of the kids had simply knocked the exhaust pipe from the AC off.  So it took about 1 minute and no money to fix.
Now, since we are involved in the youth ministry at our church, we have situations that sometimes don't have black and white answers and sometimes my heart aches over things that I can't control.  I think these worries and stresses are the hardest to overcome.  Because like Francis Chan says in the book, I sort of feel justified with these worries and stresses because they are for the cause of Christ.  But I have to go back to the fact that God is in charge and I am only a servant.  I cannot make others do what they don't want to or see things in ways that they won't.  I am only a vessel and I only need to be following what God tells me to do or say, regardless of the outcome.  It is hard to give up the need to have power over important matters like these.  I feel like if I worry about them and stress about them than I am doing my job as a youth leader better.  But really I am not.  I am letting circumstances beyond my control sap my energy, my focus, and my attitude.  I am become tunnel-visioned on the problems and not on the solution - which is God's power in their lives.  I can do nothing but pray that God's power would transform them or their circumstance.  I saw an excellent message by Charles Stanley on t.v. a couple weeks ago and it has completely changed the way I pray for things.  He said that the prayer from Colossians 1:9-14 is a prayer that we can pray for anyone in any circumstance.  It focuses on what the person really needs, not what we think the answer to their problems are.  I encourage you to go read through the verses and begin praying that prayer for those you love.  He said we often don't pray fervently for those we love until they are already hurting or in trouble.  He said this is a prayer we should be praying everyday for those in our lives.  I agree wholeheartedly, but so often need to be reminded of this.
When I think of worry, I always think of a quote from Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian who, with her family, was put in a concentration camp for housing Jews and was the only one to survive.  She knew a lot about suffering and heart ache, but she allowed it to mold her, not break her.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

I don't want to limit my potential by worrying and stressing over things beyond my control.  I don't need to buy into the stress mentality of our culture, even if it feels like I am not caring enough if I don't.

The Book Fair

Yesterday, I went to help at the book fair at Elias' school.  Something I swore I wouldn't do because I didn't have the time & I didn't want to find a sitter for Bella.  But when I was in the school office on Monday, the librarian said she didn't have anyone helping on Wednesday afternoon and that Bella would be more than welcome to come with me, so I caved and went anyway.
Last year when Elias was in pre-school, I couldn't wait to help at the book fair.  I was so excited to help children develop their love to read at a young age the way I did.  My parents were not big readers.  An occasional magazine here and there, the Bible occasionally or a devotional.  But I don't remember either of them sitting down with a book - fiction or non-fiction.  But I don't remember a time when I didn't love books.  I got more excited over books and going to the library as a child as I did going for ice cream.  I loved the smell of books, the way they felt in my hands when I would hold them to read them, the way my teachers would hold their books to read from them, the sound of the pages turning...all of it.  And the book fair was like the Super Bowl of books for me.  I remember how excited I would get walking into the library to display after display of brightly-colored, shiny covered new books and the smell was something I will remember forever.  The biggest reason I got so excited was that kids who were on the free lunch program were allowed to choose one book for free.  These honestly were the only new books I think I ever owned as a child.  Occasionally my parents would allow me to get used books at yard sales, but our budget was way too tight to buy books that could just as easily be borrowed from the library.  I would search in wonderment through all the stories and pictures.  Looking for just the right one to call my own.  It was so difficult narrowing my choice down to one.  It was almost painful for me to leave the "runners-up" behind.  I would take care of my chosen books like they were a sacred treasure and analyze each picture and read the words over and over.  To this day, thoughts of the book fair still warm my heart, as crazy as that sounds.  I don't know where my love affair with books started, but I have purposely tried to instill the love of books and reading into my children.  I started taking Elias to story time at the library when he was just a toddler and we have just as many or maybe even more books in our house than toys. 
So back now to the Watson book fair.  I loved helping out, despite my busyness and having to keep an eye on Bella at the same time.  Bella did very well and I think it is good for her to see me helping out children other than her and Elias.  There was this little girl there who reminded me of myself - not in looks, but in the way that she seemed so drawn to the books and literally was unable to make the "wish list" that she was supposed to make because she was just too busy looking at all the books.  She kept asking how much this book or that book was or if there were any books for which she didn't need money.  I could tell that she knew that if she had to have money for them, she would not be getting any books.  I so wanted to tell her, "You just choose any book and I will get it for you."  But then I realized that there were probably many, many other kids just like her who wanted to get a book just as badly and I couldn't buy all of them one.  I am reminded of the quote that I have heard many times, "Do for one what you can't do for all." and I am considering calling the school to see if I can purchase a book for this little girl and maybe a few other kids.  I don't know what the policies are or if it will be possible, but if I could give even just one or two children the excitement that I felt about the book fair, it would be worth it.