Truly Random Thoughts

I have about 30 things that I have thought about blogging, so I will just share the ones that I can remember right now in a bulleted list, in no particular order or context. Enjoy!

1. I am literally watching my kids grow up before my eyes. I have seen Elias' thoughts becoming deeper and more philosophical. Elias is realizing that death is real and people get hurt or sick. It is good for him, but knowing he is moving into a new level of understanding that will make him more susceptible to pain and fear is something you don't really read about in "What to expect when you are expecting." I have seen Bella's legs growing longer and her personality becoming more her own developing and less a mimic of those around her. She is slowly becoming more able to vocalize her feelings and her communication is beginning to catch up with her understanding, which has been greater than her communication showed.
2. I have been working too much lately. There is just something that changes in our house when I am not here during the day. I can't place my finger on it, but I don't like the difference. Our sense of family is altered. Maybe I change when I am working, but it definitely is not in my imagination. I have began to guard the days I want to take off more...That is why I am home today. I have to fight to not ask myself the question, "If other women can work full-time, why can't I even work almost full-time?" For whatever reason, I can't and that has to be that.
3. That being said, I am praying about what direction I should go next year. If I am going to continue subbing, I will need to get my continuing education hours. I don't like the thought of spending more time on subbing than the hours I sub, but it is a necessary part. Also, when I am at school all day, dealing with children in various stages of obedience and disobedience, my tolerance for my own children's behavior is greatly effected. Again, I have to resist the urge to ask myself, "If other teachers who have kids can do it, why can't I?" I am beginning to think if there may be another type of position that I could work at part-time that would be a better fit - but the fact that I only work when the kids are in school is the biggest perk of subbing and something that would be difficult to find anywhere else.
4. Recently, our church has began a sermon series on Spiritual Disciplines and, in a round about way, a retreat I went to recently was also about Spiritual Discipline. Ironically, (or probably more providentially), this is an area of my life that God has been telling me for a while needs some attention. I am very thankful that I now have the topic put before me every week. I have also began reading the book "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. It was a book I read in college and is very academically written and can be at times a little difficult to wade through, but it really is a good explanation of the basic Spiritual Disciplines.
5. And, with that being said, I have realized that my Spiritual life had become pretty dogmatic and legalistic. It wasn't like I wasn't doing anything or that it was wholly bad, but I wasn't doing it in the right spirit. I had gotten in the habit of categorizing, segmenting, identifying and declaring what my relationship with God was or should be like, that I forgot about just being in relationship with him every day.
6. I have been learning so many new lessons from actually being in relationship day-by-day with God, and have thought about sharing many of them. But I feel like they are for me. If I share them, then I am attempting to do something other than learn from them myself. There is a time and place for sharing the lessons that God teaches, but for me God is telling me "Not yet and maybe not ever" and I just have to be okay with that. I was often replacing my own time learning what God wanted to teach me through the Scriptures with what other people were learning and sharing - whether through on-line devotionals or blogs.
7.  I have been cutting down on my online time. When I asked God how long I needed to do it or how strict I needed to be with it, I felt like his answer was to trust him with my daily bread. If I remain in him and he in me, I will know and all I have to be is obedient. It would be easier to have clear delineations, but I would be living to be approved by the standard I had set and not to commune with God.
8. I have been organizing some areas of clutter in my house. That is one of the most refreshing activities! I feel like it declutters my mind at the same time. Areas get cluttered so easy when there is no time to put things in the appropriate places or proper order and my brain is the same way.
9. I made a list last week of everything I do - whether it be at home, for church, for socializing, whatever - and it was long. My attempt was to find one thing I could cut out. Most are good things, even great things. It was hard to find any that I felt could be cut. When I made the list, I thought that something like doing nursery duty would end up being cut (or maybe I was hoping that was the one that would be cut! LOL). But when I looked at the list, I realized that 2 things took a good amount of my time and I really didn't even find them that enjoyable or worthy to be done. They had become what I felt was an obligation, when they clearly were not, and they were sucking precious minutes and brain waves that could be directed in other areas. I cut those two things out and I was amazed at the time and thought time I was able to recoup. I am not saying that these things were bad or that something else, maybe even nursery, will eventually be taken from my list, but making the list made me realize just how much time and energy I could use elsewhere. Actually, there are different parts of other things that need to be changed or tweeked too, but it all goes back the the "why" of it all, not the "what". I have been so focused on the what, I have almost forgotten the why.
10. One of the things I have cut out is watching "Downton Abby". So if you watch it, I would love to be filled in about how it ends! Maybe we can have lunch sometime and you can give me the abbreviated version!
11. I have been having weird dreams lately. And worse yet, I feel like they are the type of dreams that are trying to tell me something. I don't know if you have those or not, but I have dreams that I know just stemmed from something I was watching or thinking about before bed, and then others that I know are trying to get my attention. I don't know if they come from God or just from my subconscious, but they really stick with me.
12. I have been making another attempt at going to bed earlier. We went to bed at 10 p.m. both Friday and Saturday. For some reason, whenever we go to bed earlier, we are just as tired and sometimes more tired during the day than when we go to bed after midnight. I don't know if there is a physiological reason why this happens, but it sure does lower my resolve to get to bed early! I keep telling myself that it is better for me long-term. Now I just need to figure out how to make sure I keep going to bed early. So far, the most days in a row that we have ever went to bed early when we have made these decisions that we need to get more sleep (and it has been many, many times) is 4 or 5 nights. Not a promising statistic!
13. We are working on improving the overall attitude and tone of our household. I have realized recently just how often the kids talk to each other and us disrespectfully. I also can slip into being disrespectful to them as well. It is so hard to change something that has become such a habit and we didn't even realize that it was something that needed to be addressed until it got to a place that it was making me sad and concerned for the future of our kids and family as a whole! I wish I could go back and nip it in the bud where it started, but the only thing to do is make the painful, frustrating changes now. - And doing that just shines a spotlight on just how inconsistent I am!
14. There have been several cases of lice recently at the kids school. I fear that I will never know if we have it until they are running rampant on our heads, because as soon as I hear or think the word lice, my head begins itching incessantly. Even now typing this, I have scratched my head several times!
15. I have too many books that I want to read. I am currently reading 3 and have 2 or 3 others on my mental waiting list to be next up! I have one on my phone, one by my bed and another I read whenever and wherever. Two are non-fiction and the last is fiction. Surprisingly, especially for me, the one I am having the hardest time continuing with is the fiction book! I am supposed to have it read for book club in two weeks and I have barely started it. I think there is a something mentally in me that resists reading it, because I know I have to! I remember in school there were many times that I thought that I would have thoroughly enjoyed reading a certain book, if I had made the choice to read it on my own, but had trouble reading it because it was an obligation.  With that being said, I LOVE being able to discuss a book I have read with others who have also read it and that is one of the reasons I love going to book club - other than the fact that I hang out with ladies who are from a completely different walk of life than me and I feel like the fellowship is beautiful! So I need to stop procrastinating and just do it. I just keep thinking, that when I really get started on it, it won't take me long to read, but then I don't give myself enough time, so the reading becomes unenjoyable!

Well, that is at least half of the things I have been thinking about lately! If I added any more, this post would be a chapter long! It almost is already. Maybe I will come up with a Truly Random Thoughts 2 sometime soon!