Trying to define me...

Recently, I had the privilege to tell a little of my life's testimony in two different situations to the ladies at our church.  As I look at these two very different accounts of my life, I feel a little like I have a split personality.  One talks about the pain and troubles I had growing up and the other talks about the benefit I have received by being mentored throughout my life.  One talks about an area of sin and weakness I am struggling with and the other talks about an area of my life where God has used me to be an example for others.  They seem like two pieces of a puzzle that do not fit together. 

When I am asked about my life, I often have trouble categorizing it as good or bad or defining what it was like at all.  Though there was much dysfunction, there were happy times too. And though there was lots of emotional upheaval, there were many good memories made along the way. The pain I have experienced has shaped me as much, if not more, than the happy times. 

I always want to shield my kids from unhappiness and heartache and have everything just right.  This includes me wanting to be perfect in all my dealings with them.  When I really blow it, I will tell Josh that I am convinced that our kids are going to grow up to be heathens because of my poor parenting.  He just shakes his head because he knows that I know upbringing alone does not make you who you will be. Only God can have a final say in that.

Thankfully, God blessed me with the grace to learn not only from my own mistakes, but from others' mistakes as well - which has saved me from a lot of personal heartache throughout my life!  From a young age, the Holy Spirit helped me to find and accept the good that could be found in people or situations, like a miner mines a plain, ugly rock for a little bit of treasure. 

I have lost some of that ability through the years.The ability is not my natural self, but only God working through me.  When I stray from God, I get fussy and selfish and want to complain about all the bad and how it gives me excuses to be bad myself.  I want to look at others' faults to make my faults look less offensive. It is a sad cycle that perpetually leaves me only feeling worse. 

So, I guess I do have a split personality - my natural self vs. God's Holy Spirit dwelling in me; the results of the sinful world's effects on me vs. the results of His grace washing away the hurt and shame and redeeming my life.

"My hope is built"

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain