I am not sure if I have always done it as much and have just now taken notice of it because the kids will ask, "Mom, why are you sighing?" or "Who are you talking to?", or if it has been something that has become increasingly more common.
The source of my sighs are often frustration with myself, over something I have done, didn't do, shouldn't do, couldn't do, or wish I could do. I have a list that is unending. I can be spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread for my kid's sandwich and a thought will hit me and the sigh will escape. Meanwhile, my kids are at the counter chattering and saying, "Mommy, did you hear that?" and I will have to admit that I didn't. Because where was I? - Trapped inside my own thoughts again. Sometimes creating problems where they haven't yet formed or may never be.
I know that to dwell on these things helps no one. I can't do anything when I am so busy thinking. Yesterday, as I was sorting laundry and churning over some heavy thoughts, I realized that Satan must be laughing at me. Because he had me doing exactly what I shouldn't be. I was so busy worrying about what I had or hadn't done in a situation that I wasn't praying for the situation, I was thinking only of myself. I was creating division in my mind and feeling like I knew just what people must think of me (and it always seems to be bad). At that moment, I stopped and said a prayer. I know we all come from different perspectives on prayers and theology, but I prayed an old school prayer asked God to help me rebuke and overcome the negative thoughts and take the power away from Satan that I had given him and asked him to work in the situation and with the people involved as he saw fit, not in a way that would make things good or seem right for me.
I am not exaggerating at all when I say, instantaneously I felt the oppressive weight of my thoughts lifted from my shoulders.
I told Josh recently that I think the reason that I sigh a lot more now is because I am older and more aware of my mistakes (and I have a lot more mistakes to account for!) and of the depravity and hurt there is all over the world. But I really think that the reason is that I feel that I have to have the responsibility to do everything in my own power and I don't lean on God's power enough. When I was younger, I wasn't just ignorant of my mistakes or of all the problems that were around me, but I also knew then that I could do nothing about them because I was just young and inexperienced - definitely not the one who was expected to do much about anything important.
I will always face difficulties and criticism, but the most brutal criticism that I ever receive comes from myself. I think these self-critical thoughts stem from external criticisms I have accepted when I was young. I let them enter my heart and mind and they have grown there almost like an auto-immune disease. These diseases often can be treated and symptoms lessened by healthy living, but can flare up when a person gets tired or weakened. In the same way, when I am Spiritually weak, these criticisms flare up and can grow and spread.
Jon Acuff wrote this about criticism in his blog today, and I thought it was very poignant.
Holding onto criticism is one of the most exhausting things you can do.So, today, every time I have been tempted to sigh, I instead have been singing a song I heard recently at a beautiful little girl's funeral.
Regardless of who it is from. Regardless of what it’s about. Regardless of the reasons why you think you’ve still got to wrestle with it or fix it, it’s something you need to let go of.
Carrying a wound forever will forever leave you wounded.
Let it go. Put it down. Give it up. Learn from it if there was a lesson in the criticism, but leave it behind. Empty your hands and your heart of the attacks. Working on your dream is a hard enough experience without thinking you have to carry the weight of criticism with you along the way.
excerpt from The Words I Would Say by the Sidewalk Prophets
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say
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