The Giving and Receiving Manual

Sometimes I almost hesitate to tell people just how much our church family helped us while Josh was in the hospital. I think I hesitate more in the Christian community than I do everywhere else. The reason is that I don't want people to question why we got help and maybe they haven't. I have heard so many people say, "Well, when I have went through something, everyone said they wanted to help, but no one really did anything to help."

I think there are definitely people who offer help half-heartedly, but I think more often than not, people are willing to help if offered the right information and opportunity.

I think there are reasons that we felt so supported and helped.
1. We let our exact needs be known. This sounds like it would be easy, but it isn't. Often when people go through a difficult time, they think that people should instinctively know what would be helpful, but that is completely not true. For instance, our toilet broke right before Josh went into the hospital. We had the part, but Josh didn't have time to fix it. There was no way that someone would have offered to fix it because no one would have known it needed done. So I texted a friend and asked if he could come fix it. He came that evening and was glad that he could be of help to us.
2. We depended on many different people and we thought of who would be the most helpful to do which tasks. We had people from about every area of our life helping us - neighbors, soccer friends, small group members, book club friends. For instance, one of my friends from book club brought me a breakfast sandwich, stayed with me until Josh's surgery ended and then left. Another friend had offered to bring me food at the hospital, but I told her I didn't need anything then, but I would let her know when I did. When I got home and realized I had few groceries in the house, I texted her to ask if she could run to the store for me. She happily agreed and I emailed her my shopping list. Another friend teaches at the kids' school, so even though it was an inconvenience to her, it seemed like a natural fit to have her stay the night and get them ready for school the next day.
3. We purposely put ourselves in community and had built relationships with those who helped us before the event happened. We already knew people well and they knew us. We knew them, their responsibilities, their talents, and their personalities, and they knew ours. I am not saying we shouldn't help people we don't know well, but I am saying it is just easier when we do.
4. We had helped others when they were in need in the past. I don't mean to be egotistical, it is just the truth. When you help others, there is always a desire to help them back. And I am not saying that we help others with the thought that if we do it, we better get help back from them one day, but it just happens naturally.
5. We graciously accepted the help, thanked everyone who gave us help, and didn't make a huge deal over how they shouldn't have done it for us. We had more ambiguous offers than we could accept, which is usually the case. And I don't believe that they were ambiguous because they lacked sincere desire to help. I accepted help or requested specific help and decided not to play the martyr and try to do it all or act like I could handle it all without help. I have done this in the past and it normally leaves me feeling isolated and hurt, even though it was my choice.
I also set aside worry about who would be insulted if I accepted help from this person and not that person. It can get pretty tricky trying to navigate this, but you can't accept help from everyone! But it teaches me not to get insulted when others don't accept our help, but to keep offering.

I feel like we are taught that we should give and receive help from others, but not how to do it. And contrary to common thought, it does not come naturally!  I really think that there should be a cheat sheet developed that is posted somewhere, anywhere, to help us out with this!