The price we pay for what we think we want

I have never been a feminist or subscribed to feminist views, so this post will be quite biased.

Sometimes things just get under my skin and I can't forget about them until I get it out.  Today's soapbox message is one of those.

I have worked a lot recently and I had off today, so I indulged myself by watching a sappy romantic comedy as soon as I had my family out the door.  It doesn't matter the title because romantic comedies are a dime a dozen.  But the message of the movie was to not settle for what is safe and comfortable, but look for passion and "true love".  The man that the female character was engaged to was safe and comfortable and he treated her well and she thought he was everything she wanted...until she meets a rough fire fighter from Queens, who at first glance was nothing she ever wanted.  Of course, as the story went on, she fell for the hunky fire fighter and the kind, reliable fiance gave her his blessing to "follow her heart".

(Now to be fair, there are probably just as many movies that are about the girl (or boy) overlooking the quiet, safe, reliable one for a hot, exciting other, only to realize that the one who they really needed was there right beside them all along. And the fact that almost all romantic comedies are about thinking love and meaning can be found in someone other than one you're with is a subject for another post entirely.) 

After watching the movie, I went to the grocery store.  When I was leaving the store, I saw a young male employee in his 20s who had unlocked the metal case that held the propane tank and stood watching a man, probably in his 50s, loading propane tanks from his truck to the metal cages.  I could hear my dad's voice in my head saying, "What is wrong with you, boy?  Are your arms broken?  Stop being so lazy and help the man!"  I felt a little like saying it myself!  In my dad's generation, men worked hard and helped each other - not for recognition or compensation, but because it was what made you a good man.

Now, I am not saying the older man wasn't capable of doing the job on his own and, in our day and age, the employee may not have been allowed to help him, since everyone is so sue-happy anymore.  But there is something wrong with our culture when a young man is content to stand and watch another man work, when he is doing absolutely nothing, and not be willing to help.

But it reminded me of another time when I went to CVS, after finishing one of those Christian historical fiction books.  I am sure you can imagine the plot, because they are also a dime a dozen.  A beautiful, yet stubborn young lady gets in some sort of distress and the equally stubborn, yet incredibly gentlemanly, young man saves her from the distress, even though she exasperates him, and in the process grabs her heart.  Anyway, when I got to the register, I had a large case of water that I was having trouble getting out of my cart and lifting onto the counter.  There were 2 men behind me who just watched me as I struggled to hoist the thing from one place to the other and didn't even attempt to help. Now I am not a damsel in distress and I don't need to be rescued, but a little bit of heavy lifting now and then would be acceptable!  I thought to myself that if I lived in the 1800s, that would never have happened!  - Of course, I would probably have been wearing a dress and a corset and people would think I was insane for buying water bottled anyway!  - But I digress!

The point is, chivalry, man helping fellow man just because it is the right thing to do, and respecting people for being good, reliable people is no longer part of our common culture and it is sad.  And it really irks me that we are told by movie after movie that if a relationship is safe and comfortable, it can't be equally passionate and happy.  And boys aren't expected to be chivilrous and people are taught to only do what is expected and nothing more - and not even that, when you can get away with it.

But isn't that what we asked for - "equal rights"?  Men don't want to offensive by thinking a girl may need a little help now and then.  And women don't want to appear weaker than their male counterparts.  But inside we are yearning for men to be men and women to be women - or there wouldn't be so many sappy romantic movies and books.  We can't have it both ways.

I heard on the radio that there is a school in Switzerland that is teaching completely "gender neutral".  The DJ jokingly said, "I wonder what the bathroom situation is like?".  And underlying the joke is a truth.  Men and women are different and when we take the role of the male away from the male and the role of the female away from the female, none of us quite know how to act anywhere we go.  I am not saying that the male or female has to be domineering over the other, but that we appreciate and cultivate what makes us uniquely different.
  

- This post is now going to go from being long to "I need to find a bookmark" long, as I tell you a recent story in the life of the Wilsons.

One cold morning last week, my neighbor texted me at 6:30 to see if she could use our spare tire.  She has recently became a single mother and I suspected that she may not be able to change the tire, even if we gave it to her.  I had to work that day and had to be out of the house by 7:45.  Josh was going to have to get the kids off to school and then to work himself, and he had an early morning meeting.  We decided that we probably didn't have the time to help her and that she'd probably be better off to just call the local tire shop.

But then I started to feel like we should at least do as much as we could to help her and Josh agreed, so we told her that he could come over for about 20 minutes and see what he could do for her.  I rushed to get ready myself and then also hustled the kids through their morning routine.  I yelled out the door to let Josh know that over 20 minutes had passed.  He asked if the kids were ready and I told him they were, so he said that he was going to try to help just a few more minutes to see what else he could do.

In the end, because of a problem with the rim or something, she ended up having to get the tire shop fix her tire anyway.  But it didn't matter that Josh wasn't able to fix the tire, but that he was willing to do it.  He looked past what he needed to do and the cold and his own schedule and decided to stay out a little longer to try to be of help.

To me that is one of the most attractive things about my husband. When I see him reaching out to help someone (sometimes because I get him into it), even when he would rather not, or when I think about how I know he'd do whatever it took to protect and provide for his family, there is nothing I would ever want more.

Passion is fleeting, but integrity and trust and commitment endure.  Have you ever noticed that all those romantic comedies end when they get together?  It is because you can only "fly by the seat of your pants" on passion for so long and then your pants get mighty worn out!  And integrity, trust, and commitment breed passion if it is recognized and appreciated.

I feel like telling young teenage girls all the time.  - Don't look for the boys who are trying to get your attention by being macho, but look for the boys who are kind and helpful and good to everyone for no reason at all.  They are the keepers!

I will get down from my soapbox now!